Decisions

I am knee deep in a season of change. I am doing my best to hold it together but I feel a little like I am cracking at the seems. I am making challenging decisions and that always brings on stress, especially when you are as high strung and anxious as I notoriously am.  I was expressing some of my fears about all the variables in my life to a dear friend and this was his response:

“But you have a knack for making good choices, so even though we may not know where the roads heading, it’s certain to be a good one”

I needed to hear this right now.

I know that I need to trust my gut . It will lead me to the right decision, even if it’s not the most popular one. That’s okay, I’ve been judged for my choices before. But one thing I have learned is that at the end of the day you got to do you, and live your own truth, even when it is not easy.

Sometimes we have to break a little, to crack the cocoon when it no longer fits, to make way to become something more beautiful.  It can be a painful process, but it is one that is worth it in the end.

Attracting the Good Stuff

Been thinking a lot about the law of attraction lately.  It always seemed like kind of a hippy dippy concept to me that really had no validity. But I’m sort of warming up to the idea of it these days.

This could be because my current circumstances are less than desirable. I did go through a spell recently where I worried, a lot (more so than usual) and it seems a great deal of what I worried about has indeed manifested, and not in my favor.

So I have decided its time for shift in perspective.  I want things to change in my life, and maybe I am the key. Maybe if I focus on all the wonderful people and things I have in my life, and will the positive changes I desire, then I will see a difference.

I don’t know if this will work. But its worth a shot. Whatever I am doing now is not working. So now I am making the effort to be mindful of all the things that I have to grateful for and to visualize the positive future I wish to have.

If nothing else it will elevate my mood, and that to me, is worth it. 

Plot Twist

I am in transition again.

I have been saying for a while that my life needed a plot twist, and boy did I get one.  It has been over a year since I have graduated with my MFA and I have found myself in the sad but common role of cliché.  I have spent the past year taking part time teaching jobs where I can get them, and doing my best to stay afloat, and keep my bills paid.

What I have not been doing is living my truth, and pushing myself to live up to my potential. But it didn’t matter because I was surviving, and surviving was better than nothing.

And that’s when the plot twist happens. Through a series of unfortunate events that I will not go into here, I currently find myself jobless. This is not where I wanted to be. It is scary and uncomfortable, and my future is so uncertain that it is enough to make my head spin.

But if I am completely honest, I needed this wake up call. It’s made me really look at the choices I’ve been making, and it has lead me to really evaluate who I am.  I needed this to push me to grow. At the end of the day I am an artist after all, and isn’t this the way an artists story suppose to sound? My dream is to make a living in a way that is creative and fulfilling to my soul. I am not sure how exactly or what it will look like, but I know now is the best time to figure it out. Now is the time to find a way to do what I was designed to do whatever that is. If that means I have sell some coffee or shoes to get to where I am destine to be then so be it.

I would be lying if I said I was not scared about my future, but I know that people believe in me, so I am going to believe too. And honestly what’s life without a few curve balls, what’s a story without a few plot twists?

As my dear friend Evan put it “Jennafer this is just a chapter of your story, not the whole book” And he is absolutely right. 

And Holding...

I know that I have been incredibly quite for a while. This is because this girl in transit has been stuck in a holding pattern. I feel as though I am stuck again, in those slumps I seem to dip into from time to time.

I have no good excuse for this. The simple truth is that I allowed old demons that have come knocking at my door to come and stay awhile, let them get comfortable.  They whisper in my ear until I forget how truly strong I am, I forget my accomplishments and I start to fear the steps I need to take to obtain the dreams so dear to my heart.

In fact, I begin to believe that I don’t deserve to dream.

It’s painful to admit this. It’s embarrassing. There is so much in my life to be grateful for. There are so many beautiful people who share their lives with mine.  There are so many things that I have accomplished and experiences that I have had, and continue to have that make the tapestry of my life richer than words can express. So it is with a lot of shame that I admit how ungrateful, petty and even yes depressed I have become again.

My hope is that by giving this emotions form, by expressing them here as I have so often have done in the past, they will loose the power they have when I keep them locked inside me.  

My hope is that by writing this I will lighten my load enough to get out of this holding pattern, and be in transit once again.   

Body Talk Two

So this is not my first entry on body image. It is a subject I have touched before on this blog but it seems I have more thoughts on the subject, so here it goes!

Honestly we are a culture of body shaming. The media is a toxic playground of hypercritical jack faces voices their opinions on how bodies should look, and how if they don’t look like that then we should be ashamed. The ad agencies spend oodles and oodles of cash in order to make consumers feel like there is something wrong with them. This is in hopes that the consumers will turn around and spend oodles and oodles of their hard earned cash whatever the latest product is that is suppose to fix the newest contrived problem. None of this is new information.

And yes, I have had my fair share of low moments. There have been times in my life where I was very ashamed of my body because it did not seem to fit into the social norm. I become very disconnected from my body. It was to be tolerated, suffered or hated, but my body was not something designed to be loved.  Those were very dark days that (like many hard life experiences) shaped who I am.  That is not who I am anymore.

Recently I have been the target of people who think it is perfectly acceptable to comment on my body.  They believe it is okay to share their advice on how they believe I should look or exist in the world. To make snap judgments on my lifestyle which most often they know nothing about (would they be surprised to know that I haven't eaten a cheese burger in over five years, I wonder.). Now this does not make me angry with them, nor does it make me sad about or ashamed of myself. What it does make me is angry and sad that we still like in a world where it is conducive even encouraged making judgments on other peoples physical appearance.

My body, how it looks, how I dress it, what I choose to do with it, is no ones business but my own. And neither is yours. It is time we reclaim out bodies and stop buying in to the lie that you have to look a certain way to be beautiful. For the record, you cannot look at my body and know the status of my health no more than I can you. And even if you could it is not your job to make comments on my health. If you do not have a medical license and are not testing my blood, I don’t want your opinion.  Really if it’s out of concern do you think making someone feel insignificant will help? How does making someone feel ashamed, or feeling like they should hate themselves really motivate positive change. When someone feels as if they are loathed by society they are often going to begin to self hate, and when that happens why would they do anything that would help to support or take care of themselves, it would be counterintuitive.

Also the idea that there is only one kind of beautiful is absurd. Granted we all find certain things attractive, but we should realize that what we like is just that, personal preference.  Everyone is going to be beautiful to someone, and more importantly everyone should be beautiful to themselves.

In the face of all of this I choose to celebrate the beauty that is my body. To revel in the gloriousness that is me. I will dance with my body, embrace with my body, and fully live in my body because I know it is mine and I will honor it.

What you do with your body is entirely up to you.

I'm a Sour Candy

Recently a friend of mine expressed to me that he thought it was interesting how I was in many ways I was (to paraphrase) very aware but in other ways “still learning”. I made a joke about my arrested development issues, which yes there are a few.

I have always been drawn to dichotomies. I like things that don’t seem to make sense but still somehow seem to coexist, comfortably, or not so comfortably. Maybe I am drawn to this because I feel like that is what I am like inside. I’m a pendulum always swinging between extremes, or maybe I’m always just both.

When I was a kid they tested me because I was struggling in school. They believed that I had a processing disorder (which I did). The test results however proved a bit challenging for them. When I was in sixth grade my math was at a third grade level, my spelling was not much higher, but my reading comprehension was that of a college freshman. It was very hard to place me, and I am grateful that I did have lots of helpful teachers who supported me, and a mom who was in my corner to tailor an education that would suit my dichotomous needs.

It's weird because I still feel like I straddle different worlds. I can be outgoing at times, and painfully insecure at others (or sometimes both and the same time). I can be terribly sweet and sunshiny, but not without a love of sarcasm and a tinge of irreverence.

I often find that the people I gravitate to are like me in that sense. They are anarchist soccer moms and ice princess with a hearts of gold. They are jerks with a sensitive streak, or philosophical macho men.

Honestly we all straddle different worlds, and different personality traits. I don’t think many of us live in black and white world; most of us reside in gray town.  And I am glad it’s that way. 

I think that what makes sour candy so great is after you get that punch that first punch that makes you pucker, you have a greater appreciation for when it fades to sweet. 

Sour candy and life are just more interesting that way.  

Confession of a Control Freak

I am going to make a confession. I have come to terms with a part of myself that I always knew on some level existed, but never really wanted to admit too.

So here it goes…I am a control freak.

I know, this may come as a shock to some of you “but Jenn, you never volunteer to lead things.  You are not a type A personality.”

All these things are true. I am not a Type A, a perfectionist, or a born leader.

I don’t want to control others per se, but I do want to control the details of my life in ways that border on neurosis. And if anything or anyone threatens that I am not a happy camper. I will fight it, typically in my passive aggressive Virgo way (although when I was younger I did have a tendency to be a bit more aggressive aggressive, but that is an entirely different entry) I like my schedule, I like my routines. And if I get something in my head then it damn well better go that way. Now I do have the ability to do adapt and shift gears… but not after I have a little many melt down and mourning over the loss of my tightly made schedule.

What’s odd is I don’t do it with my big life plans.  I don’t plan were I will be in five years. I don’t know were I will be living or what I will be doing. I don’t feel like there are certain life milestones that one must hit by hit at specific times to be considered a successful and well rounded human. 

But my day-to-day life, now that’s a different story. I will micro manage the crap out of that.  And you know what, doing that will make you crazy. It is exhausting and anxiety provoking trying to control every little thing in your life. Mostly because it just can’t be done. There are too many unforeseen variables, too many called games on account of rain.  

So I need to change, because I am tired. I am tired of hanging on to every little detail of my life with white knuckles.

And so I’m letting go, and letting myself flow with the current.

 Or at least I’m going to try :) 

The Last Leviathan

“You know that if you get a care you have to drive it right?”

“ There will be other cars on the road to you do realize that?”

“You are aware that people in LA drive crazy aren’t you?”

This is just a sampling of the barrage of questions I have been slung at me since I have decided to let people in my life know that I am indeed looking for a car.

Yes it is that time.  I have postponed it for long enough. It is time for me to face my fear of driving in the big city.

And before you add to the onslaught of questions, let me assure you I have been chewing on the same questions in my brain for longer than you can imagine.  And for those of you who have asked these questions and were on the receiving end of my snapping turtle-ness I do apologize. It was my own anxiety and insecurity calling the shots, I’m not proud of it, but I’ve been living in this skin long enough to know that it happens.

But it is time.  Anyone who knows me (or is familiar with this blog) knows that driving is my biggest leviathan, my last great dragon. So this is big at least in my little narcissistic world.

The thing is I am a firm believer in change, even when it is painful or scary. Some of the most powerful life changing decisions I have made in my life has been the painful scary ones. And the truth is I may decide that I want to live in a city were mass transit is awesome and I never ever have to drive a car. But It will be my choice not something I am forced into because of fear. Too many of my choices of my decisions have been dictated by fear, and quite frankly I am done.

Positive is what Positive Does

I have for many years been a cynic.

This may come as a surprise to many casual acquaintances. I tend to operate in the my daily life with what appears to be a generally sunny disposition (It's not a complete act, but its not the whole truth either). But for those who know me really well (or those who have read my blog) you know that I struggle with feelings of personal inadequacy and distrust of the world around me.

However I am ever in transit, and I am constantly trying to evolve beyond my deficiencies, be they real or perceived. I am trying to see the best in others, rather than the Big Bad Wolf in everyone I meet.

I want to be open to the positive people and experiences that the universe has to offer me, and I feel like in order to do that I have to put out positivity into the world. It’s all very Law of Attraction (and believe me I have made fun of the Law of Attraction more times than I can count) but really what’s the harm in thinking good thoughts.

The way I see it is this, if I have a positive attitude and believe that positive things will happen to me then it will be double awesome when they do.  And if things don’t work out well, I figure the positive attitude will help me deal with the blow with less anxiety and stress then if I had a bad attitude. I win both ways.

So this is my experiment, I am going to try to put nothing but good vibes out into the world with the hope that the universe will answer back favorably.

Wish me luck!

Clogged Pipes

Writers block is an annoying thing. It’s feeling that you want to say something but have absolutely nothing to say. The blank paper stares at you, taunting you, judging you.

Of course right now I don’t feel blocked, or it least not in the traditional sense that we usually think of when we think of writers block. On the contrary I feel like I have too much to say. I have so many projects that I feel like the have clogged the pipes.  I don’t know were to start. I don’t know which project deserves the first stab at my attention.  I’ve always had trouble organizing my thoughts.

Oh well… a long time coming blog entry is a place to start I suppose. 

Life is a Puzzle

For the first time in my life, I completed a jigsaw puzzle all by myself. I remember doing puzzles with my mother as a teenager. Looking back on it I realize it was usually during times of stress and change in my life. I think it was something we could do together that was slow, focused and meditative. My motor skills have also always been a bit wonky do to some misprocessing stuff in my brain. I think in her infinite mommy wisdom she knew this would be good for me.

So as a quarter closed, I was dealing and as I was facing a job interview (I got the job, more on that later blog entries) I almost instinctively felt a strong desire to do a puzzle.

I started just the way momma taught me, painstakingly sorting through the pieces so that I could separate the edges from the non-edges.

For a week I worked on the puzzle bit by bit. Each day more of the picture came together. It was a slow process.  Sometimes it felt like I was not getting very far at all. I started taking photos of it, to gage my process.  When I compared the photos it became clear that I was indeed moving forward, things were happening. I was making strides to get to were I wanted to be.

The reason I write this entry is not to confess what a nerd I am (although I am, and I own it) but to explain how doing this puzzle was a micro example of life in general.  Sometimes we don’t realize how much progress we are making to create the big picture. We forget where we are going, and get stuck in the trial and error, the slowness of the process. But the truth is, it is coming together piece by piece even if we don’t see it.

Oh and for the record I completed the puzzle, but lost one piece.  Which helps make my other point about life… sometimes it does not work the way you want it to, but you move on, and learn to be content with what did go right.