Confession of a Control Freak

I am going to make a confession. I have come to terms with a part of myself that I always knew on some level existed, but never really wanted to admit too.

So here it goes…I am a control freak.

I know, this may come as a shock to some of you “but Jenn, you never volunteer to lead things.  You are not a type A personality.”

All these things are true. I am not a Type A, a perfectionist, or a born leader.

I don’t want to control others per se, but I do want to control the details of my life in ways that border on neurosis. And if anything or anyone threatens that I am not a happy camper. I will fight it, typically in my passive aggressive Virgo way (although when I was younger I did have a tendency to be a bit more aggressive aggressive, but that is an entirely different entry) I like my schedule, I like my routines. And if I get something in my head then it damn well better go that way. Now I do have the ability to do adapt and shift gears… but not after I have a little many melt down and mourning over the loss of my tightly made schedule.

What’s odd is I don’t do it with my big life plans.  I don’t plan were I will be in five years. I don’t know were I will be living or what I will be doing. I don’t feel like there are certain life milestones that one must hit by hit at specific times to be considered a successful and well rounded human. 

But my day-to-day life, now that’s a different story. I will micro manage the crap out of that.  And you know what, doing that will make you crazy. It is exhausting and anxiety provoking trying to control every little thing in your life. Mostly because it just can’t be done. There are too many unforeseen variables, too many called games on account of rain.  

So I need to change, because I am tired. I am tired of hanging on to every little detail of my life with white knuckles.

And so I’m letting go, and letting myself flow with the current.

 Or at least I’m going to try :)