Another Year another List

So despite all the end of the world talk, it looks as though we are going to make it to 2013.

So as the year comes to a close I decided to do another year in a list… I believe this is my third year in a list, but I would have to go back and check the blog archives to be sure, and quite frankly I’m not going to do that.

So here is my 2012 in a list:

I received my MFA!

I taught my first class as a legitimate adjunct professor.

I started saving up for a car (still trying to save)

Wrote a play that I’m pretty proud of.

Did some acting.

Realized I am worse at playing pool than I am at bowling (and I am really really bad at bowling)

Had some terrible job interviews.

Had some great job interviews.

Cuddled some baby dragons.

Rekindled some old friendships.

Made some new friendships that I hope to keep in the years to come.

Got stupid sick and realized that sometimes one actually HAS to seek out medical help.

Went on some awful dates.

Danced when I had the chance to.

Made some mistakes.

Wrote some bad poetry (yeah I know this always makes the list)

Received numerous pep talks.

Gave some pep talks.

Tried to burn fewer bridges

Sent many stupid and random texts.

Was reminded that many times that my friends have a huge capacity for grace and love.

Had many deep conversations over cheap read wine.

Lost a cell phone.

Cried a few times.

Laughed a lot.

Learned to be less critical and more patient of myself.

So there you have it, my 2012. I don’t know what next year will bring, but I am cautiously hopeful. My uncle shared a saying with me recently “ the days are long, but the years are short”. This is starting to feel more and more true the older I get.  

Anyways I hope everyone had a good year and I wish you all a great 2013.

A Genius Post

gen·ius  (jnys)

n. pl. gen·ius·es

1.

a. Extraordinary intellectual and creative power.

b. A person of extraordinary intellect and talent: "One is not born a genius, one becomes a genius" (Simone de Beauvoir).

c. A person who has an exceptionally high intelligence quotient, typically above 140.

2.

a. A strong natural talent, aptitude, or inclination: has a genius for choosing the right words.

b. One who has such a talent or inclination: a genius at diplomacy.

3. The prevailing spirit or distinctive character, as of a place, a person, or an era: the genius of Elizabethan England.

4. pl. ge·ni·i (jn-) Roman Mythology A tutelary deity or guardian spirit of a person or place.

5. A person who has great influence over another.

6. A jinni in Muslim mythology.

That’s how http://www.thefreedictionary.com/genius defines genius. It’s an interesting word. It’s also a word that I have been that I have been hearing a lot lately.  Even so much as a few people have referred to me as one. My initial instinct when someone throws this word at me is to laugh it off, or deny it vehemently as absurd.  Perhaps it’s the deeply engrained catholic supplicant roots that make me so averse to receiving compliments (but that’s a whole nother ball of wax).

What I really want to talk about is the word genius because I have been hearing it so much lately. I guess when I hear it Einstein comes to mind, or other hyper intelligent women and men who seem like untouchable figures in the history books.

But looking at the nuts and bolts of this definition, it occurs to me that genius can come in all shapes and sizes.  There is a possibility that I could be considered a genius in the right light.  In fact everybody has talents of some sort, so really we all have the capacity to be a genius in one way or another, and that I find very cool.

Off The Cell Grid

Anyone who knows me knows that my ability with technology is limited at best. Of course I can manage the basics like any of my fellow gen Y-ers who have been raised in this MTV and personal computer era. And having a bit of the social anxiety, I had an added interest to become versed in anything that allowed me to interact with people without REALLY interacting with them.

But as a whole I’m not very good with technology, I don’t even know how to do a power point presentation (shameful I know). But it has occurred to me lately that for something I am not terribly good with, I am painfully dependent on it.

Nothing drove this home more then my phone going kaput on me.  I went to text someone yesterday and the phone shut off by itself. I of course went into a kind of panic. After trying all sorts of things to get it going I ordered a replacement battery (fingers crossed that it will fixed the problem). 

So here I am cell phone-less while I wait for the replacement battery to come, and that has really proved to me how completely reliant I am on the thing. Not only do I use it to keep in contact with people, or to text when I am bored, but I realized now that I don’t even own a watch at this point! I had a meeting today, and I realized how desperately I wanted to know the time during it… I did not NEED to know it, mind you, just really really wanted to.

So perhaps this 48-hour span of being phone-less is a good thing. Maybe it will be some sort of enlightening experience that will teach me something deep about myself.

But if I am really honest with myself I know just hope that the new battery will fix the bloody thing.  

Asleep At the Wheel

There are these phases in my life where it’s as if I am going through the motions of my day-to-day existence, and yet I don’t actually feel present. I find myself doing just the bare minimum to get me through.  It’s like being on autopilot in my own life. I am currently in one of those chapters.   

In these chapters that I am living a half capacity life it’s very hard not to let my old bad default behavior run the joint.  There was a time when I pretty much ran on anxiety and self -loathing. And if I am not fully present and focused I can resort back to that, it’s sort of like a really cruddy default.

The thing is you can’t live life like you are asleep at the wheel for long before something has to give.  I have, in the past, become reckless in an effort to shake myself awake. I have had mini (and not so mini) emotional breakdowns, and burned more bridges than I care to recount. It usually is a painful and exhausting experience. These things are all done as a way of jarring myself into the world of the living. 

But now I can’t help but wonder if there is a way to ease yourself back into being present in your life. I mean do I really have to shock my system to break loose of this hamster wheel that I am treading on?

I guess what I am hoping is that maybe, just maybe sometimes we can get the benefits of growing with out the pains. I know I am on the cusp of some change.  I am just hoping that I am in a cocoon right now, getting ready to spread my butterfly wings instead of a phoenix ready to combust.

To Feel or Not to Feel

It’s a funny thing, how we learn to adapt and deal with the world around us. It’s true that this is an importation skill of survival and can often serve us well. But sometimes the ways we learn to cope are as unhealthy as the thing we are trying to protect ourselves from.

At least that has been a discovery I made about myself recently. Last week I had an interview for a job (I did not get it, but that is another blog post for another day). It was an event leading up to the interview that made me take a hard look at how I have been dealing with my life right now, and quite frankly it rattled me.

I was having dinner with my uncle the night before I was scheduled to go try to sell myself in that awkward way we do to get a piece of that economic pie. It was dinner during this the calm and pleasant dinner conversation that I just broke down. I cried in the middle of a restaurant in West Hollywood. I was mortified.

The thing is I couldn’t really pin point exactly what the catalyst was. It was like a damn had broke and this flood of emotion just came over me and there was no way to stop it.

I realized that it was not just nerves about the impending interview (although that definitely was a part of it) but actually it was a cocktail of emotions I have been suppressing for months. Between stressing about my post graduate life, and a significant chapter of poor health I had dealt with it was overwhelming on-slot of crud. But instead of dealing with it as it came I swallowed it down.

So why did I do this? Well I think it is because I have spent so much of my life in heightened states of stress and anxiety. And I have done lots of work to not let those intense destructive emotions overwhelm my life. But I think somewhere along the way I overcorrected. I have got to a place in my life were I just try not to feel at all. I think subconsciously I have convinced myself that if I feel any sort of negative or uncomfortable emotion than I am backsliding.

The thing is though, that I am going through a stressful transition in my life. And it is ok to honor those emotions that I will inevitably feel in this chapter. As my uncle so wisely put it “how quaint you’re being human”. I could not help but laugh the truth is it is okay to feel, it is human and as long as it does not stop my forward motion then it is a vital reminder of existence.

Weekend

It was one of those weekends. It was one of those reaffirming powerful kind of weekends that are filled with lots of family and friends.

It's so easy get caught up in the stress of every day life. I for one spend so much time going through the motions of my day-to-day existence that I often forget about the love and support that is the foundation of who I am.

But this weekend I got to spend some quality time with some of the people who matter most to me. 

We gathered together to celebrate the birthday of my sister and one of our dear uncles. So many family members came, and friends who are so close the might as well be family.

We don’t always get to spend time together, but there is something really beautiful about the moments that we take time out of our often-separate solitary lives to acknowledge our connection. I find these times encouraging and they give me the strength to go back into the life I am trying to create for myself. 

Sister Friend

I don’t remember a life without her.  I was only thirteen months and two days old when they brought my baby sister home. They say that the first few months of her life I tried to sit on her head, perhaps I was trying to get rid of this little creature that was taking away my privilege of being the one and only baby of the house.

But I don’t really remember my days as an only child. My earliest memories involve my sister, of being part of a pair. When we were little girls’ people would sometimes confuse us for twins (though we didn’t look alike, but our mother did dress us in matching clothes… so I’m sure that had something to do with it), Intensifying this pair-ness I was held back and did my first grade year twice. So from my second year of first grade made it so that my kid sister and I were in the same grade… we graduated high school together. 

Our journey was a very shared one, and continues to be so. There were many times growing up that we had issues with fighting and sibling rivalry. Being in the same grade, sharing friends, and being completely different personality types, head butting was to be expected.

But as I have gotten older, I am continuously amazed at how lucky I am to be apart of this pair. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my sister has my back, and I have hers.  She is there to give me a pep talk in my dark hours, and a swift kick in the pants when I don’t want it (but I do need it).

I know that not everyone has this close kind of relationship with their siblings, but I do and for that I am more grateful then just the mussing on this silly blog of mine can express.

We don’t always see the world the same way, but that’s okay, we give each other often a much-needed different perspective. 

At the end of the day my sister and I are a team, and we are friends and really what more could I ask for?

Rut

I have been in a rut. And nothing makes a mutable transit soul such as myself feel blue quite like ruts.

I think it all started with thesis that turned into graduation that turned into that nebulous new world of postgraduate life. I sort of just hit that preverbal wall that so many have talked about.

To compound that (or perhaps because of that) my health has not been that stellar the past few month I have faced allergies and infections that have lead me to just generally feel unwell.  Which of course leads to feeling emotionally unwell. To make matters worse my sleeping schedule is very unreliable. There have been times lately when I get no more then three or four hours of actual sleep. And all of this just piles up until you look around and realize that you are indeed in a place of creative and emotional stagnation.

It has all made me realize how important it is to take care of oneself, mind and body. I want to not just go through the motions of my life, which is what happens when you don’t feel strong and at your best.  I want to be a proactive participant in my life, and I know that to do that I have to really in earnest value my self and do whatever is in my power to help make this body and mind of mine work as efficiently as they can.

I can’t do it all at once, but I finally feel like I am moving forward again. I’m starting with small steps, but as I have learned so far on this road that I have traveled, small steps do begin to add up, and for that I am grateful.   

Teacher Person

A couple of days ago, I taught my first class as a legitimate part time, college professor person.

The thing is I have taught before, both as a sub for K-12 (yeah that was a special Job, let me tell you) and as a Graduate Teaching Associate (or graduate student teaching with training wheels) But this it the firs time I am a professional teaching and undergraduate class of my own.

Yes I am seriously green and have a lot to learn. Yes I tend to have little freak-outs before my lectures (and from what I hear, those don’t go away for a long time). But the truth of the matter is that I enjoy it. I like teaching at the college level, and I would like to do more of it in my life.

I enjoy when the students are engaged and I enjoy talking to them and answering their questions. I like that when I teach about writing, I become a better writer myself.

Now I know that with all things, there comes a time of burn out and tired. I understand that grading can be a pill (I have already done lots of it). I know that I am going to make mistakes (and hopefully learn from them) and that I will be thrown curve balls in this process that will make me loose my balance, that stuff happens.

But I figure I have two choices I can boggle myself down with the stress and misery of all the bad that could and very well might happen. Or I can enjoy the fact that I am enjoying in now, and deal with the crap when it gets here.

All I know is that I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want the students in this class to know more than when they came in. That would make me very happy.

Active Coaster

I really like roller coasters. I didn’t always, when I was really young I found them terrifying, but as I got older I learned to enjoy the thrill of them. I love the rush of speeding down from great heights, or being turned upside-down in one of those crazy loops. Of course there is one part of the roller coaster that I hate. It’s that slow ride up before it drops you. The anxiety and anticipation is dreadful, it’s the scariest part of the whole experience. And to be honest I am still a fraidy cat, it takes some doing to get talked onto a new roller coaster (fear of the unknown) but once I get there I am glad I took the ride

Am now recognizing that I approach a lot of aspects of my life the way I do roller coasters. When confronted with new situation I find myself feeling much like I do when I am climbing that first hill of a roller coaster. The only difference is that in life I am typically not strapped in, making it easy to bolt. The trait of fight or flight is rather strong in me. And more often than not flight is my go to move (though I got some fight in me too, just ask my sister… on second thought don’t).

But the thing is, if we always run away we never give ourselves the chance to enjoy the moment. Look I understand that the next roller coaster I get on could be the worst experience of my life. It may make me so sick that I loose my lunch, or it scare me so bad that I never want to get on another ride again. These are very real possibilities. But it could also be the greatest ride of my life, and I’ll never know unless I hold on and take the chance.

The Lost August

I went to see a doctor yesterday.  This is something I try to avoid with a stubbornness that borders on the absurd.

Now to be honest I do believe that we are an over-medicated society and that we more time on treatment than prevention and that is a mistake. I can be a bit of a hippy-dippy holistic bohemian. I will own that.

However that is only part of the truth, the part that I use to rationalize and ignore the more embarrassing part. But here it is, I am afraid of doctors. Yes I know this comes as a shock to any one who reads this because It’s not as if I am afraid of my own shadow (yes that was sarcasms).

I have a great deal of respect for the medical profession. I am so glad for how doctors and nurses have continually helped my friends and family in their time of need. As for me, I will tolerate an insane amount of discomfort before seeking out medical attention. And even then it is usually with some prodding by loved ones.

I can’t help it. I don’t know where the fear comes from. But it’s terrifying. I don’t like sitting nervously in the lobby, I don’t like being weighed in front of someone, and these things are definitely unpleasant. But the real horror comes in when the start pocking and prodding me. From the moment they rap my arm in that scary bondage thing to measure blood pressure I freak. I know that soon the doctor will be pocking at my orifices while he shines lights in them, and even the though makes my palms sweat. In fact just seeing a white coat can send a chill down my spine. It’s stupid really, I know that I have in the past survived these doctor encounters and so it only seems rational that I will survive them again. But my pour brain does not think like that.

So what made me do the unthinkable and roll into a clinic for help yesterday? Well I would like to say that it was because I have been sick this entire month. Yes this is what will now be referred to as the lost August. But with every passing week I kept saying to myself “it will get better, really I just need to drink more hot tea”. But every day I would wake up with substances coming out of my nose that, quite frankly, looked like belong in some bad B sci-fi movie from the sixties. I probably would have kept going like that for another few weeks though, because I am that ridiculous. However every time a friend came by they would tell me how terrible I sounded, and how tired I looked. But the real kicker came from my sister, bossy brat that she is, who kept hounding me, and hounding me about it, and well it worked. When I tried to make her promise not to tell mom I was still battling this junk because I did not want her to worry, I knew I had a problem.

So there you have it, I have already taking my first dose of antibiotics and I am hopeful that this delightful bacterial infection that has been making residence in my body this entire month will take the hint and let me be. And for the record the doctor, and everyone at the clinic I went to were extremely nice to me, and for that I am grateful.

And who knows maybe this month of misery will teach me to not let it get this bad without help in the future… but I wouldn’t hold my breath.

A Hot Cold

I made a big batch of soup. Yes it is August. Yes it is the middle of a heat wave.

I have been sick. And not just sick, but swollen lymph nodes, can’t breath, lose your voice, and want your momma kind of sick. I am grateful that I do not live alone, because both roommates have been awesome about checking up on me, and making sure I am okay. Even running me to the store when I need medicine and things. 

I have to say that being sick in stupid hot weather has sucked so bad. Even now, as I feel a billion times better than I did at the height of this thing, I still am fighting with annoying congestion, that I can't help but think is related to this crazy hot weather.

I really have no room to complain, I get sick very rarely. I’m very lucky in that department. Of course it seems like on the rare occasion when I do fall ill, it’s usually a doozie.

Needless to say I have been out of commission for a while. But there are things we can learn when we get sick. It’s a good reminder of how important it is to take care of oneself and how important rest is. I think it was because I was not listening to my body that my immune system took a dump.

It also makes you appreciate how wonderful it is when our bodies are working at optimum capacity; it’s so easy to take for granted. It’s a beautiful thing feeling good. This is something to appreciate.  

The Follow Through!

I have to work on my follow through. I have this terrible habit of working on a script or a piece of creative writing and then I do nothing with it. This would not be a problem if I were just writing as a hobby. But the thing is, I would ultimately like to make a career with my words. 

There are lots of contests and things out there for the novice writer, and I have been encouraged by lots of folks in my life to take advantage of such things. I don’t know why I don’t. I think sometimes I get so deep into re-writes that I never feel like the work is ready to be seen. I’m sure it has something to do with my lack of confidence, and the fear of rejection.

But I have decided to face my fear of rejection and just go for it. In fact, from what I understand, rejection is sort of a rite of passage for us creative types… that’s where my new favorite word comes in… TENACITY… I need to have the tenacity to just keep sending stuff out despite the odds that are against me. 

It is going to be difficult to keep focusing on my writing in this particular chapter of my life. After all I am still looking for a job in an economy where jobs are not super easy to come by (there are some leads on that front, which is good, cause you know paying rent, and eating are lovely things) but even with all this going on I must remember that I have big dreams that I want to shoot for, and now is as good a time as any to shoot for them.

And those of you that know me personally feel free to harass me from time to time about getting my work out… I need a little accountability from time to time. 

Because I'm Worth It!

I’ve never been one to trust confidence. Rather I have never been one to trust it in myself. I like confidence in others. I (and this is very common I think for all humans) gravitate words those with an air of self-love. Those are often the most fun people to be around. Those are the kind of people one can really learn from.

However, in my self I always felt that if I believed something I did was good or worthwhile, than I was crossing over into arrogance. So to avoid that by swinging the other way… I spent an embarrassing amount of time in my life convinced that I was worthless. In fact I would say that many of my accomplishments have been fueled by the fact that I felt the need to prove to myself that I can do something… anything of substance.

Of course now I feel like I am finally figuring out the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is a belief in ones capabilities; arrogance is the belief one is better than everyone else.

 I am starting to be okay with being confident. And beating yourself up is just self-destruction, not a way to avoid arrogance… I don’t wan to live in that world anymore.

I am still learning to trust confidence in myself, but I am getting better at it. I am getting better and asking what I want from life, and believing that I deserve it. I am getting better at believing that I have something of worth to say. It’s a slow process, but I’m getting there, and that, I think, is note worthy. 

Tenacious as a Mule

tenacious

— adj
1.	holding or grasping firmly; forceful: a tenacious grip
2.	retentive: a tenacious memory
3.	stubborn or persistent: a tenacious character
4.	holding together firmly; tough or cohesive: tenacious cement
5.	tending to stick or adhere: tenacious mud

I have been thinking of this word a lot lately. Initially because one of my dear friends kept brining it up. He kept telling me to have tenacity while I was trying to finish off my degree. It is particularly relevant to me now as I am trying to grab myself a job and (this is even more important) as I go after my dreams.

The thing about dreams is they tend to be these scary, risk filled things to go after. They also tend to be things that people can stomp on if you let them.

A dream can be a fragile thing.  

What better word than tenacious could be used to describe how we should pursue our dreams?

So that’s what I intend to do, I wand to hold firmly to my dreams, I will go after them with a stubborn persistence.

Tenacious… it just might be my most favorite word.

   

I'm on a Boat!

As I have stated before, my parents have a little speedboat that they like to pull up to Big Bear Lake during the summers. It’s what desert people do. We have little boats that we haul to places that have water.

Well last Sunday I was able to join them for one of these fun little excursions. It was made even more special because my Grandmother is visiting, and she got to ride on the boat too, something she misses since she moved.

I love being out on the water with my family. There is peacefulness to it. Chatting, and sun worshiping, all while periodically dipping my fingers into the cool mountain water. It really is the definition of bliss.

The opposite of this tranquility is the madness that ensues when its time to dock the boat. It becomes a blur of people jumping off the boat, and the tossing of rope in an effort to tie the drifting watercraft so that it does not float away. It is also a hugely anxiety provoking two person job to get the boat in and out of the lake, on person driving the backing the truck up into the water, as the other person drives the boat all while other folks are trying to do the same with their families. Now to be fair, my fear of all things with steering wheels has made it so that I have never have had to participate much in the practices of getting the boat in or out. Though I have been known to forget to untie the rope before bringing the boat in, or not leave enough slack so that the poor boat slams its side into dock. Neither thing makes my papa very pleased.  If we get through the loading and unloading with no one yelling, and no hurt feelings, it was a good boat day.

But watching this got me thinking (and here I go hitting you with another transition metaphor, you know you love it ;) life is a lot like our family boating trips. There are moments that we are good, gliding along aware of all that is beautiful and good, but to get to those moments we have to go through some rough ones, we have to live through the frustration and anxiety of change to get to the good stuff, to appreciate the smooth sailing.

I am currently in one of those transitional periods. I know that I just have to hang in there and do what needs to be done, believing that I will find some tranquility again.

Thou Shalt Receive

When I teach writing classes one of the things I do is make my students be quiet when they are getting feedback. I have a “no defending your work rule”. Because here is the thing, if they get too caught up in defending their work, then they will not be receptive to any ideas that could make their piece better. I have found this a very effective tool, both for my students and for me as a writer. Usually if I just keep my mouth shut, I can take home the critique given to me and I can sort through what is useful and what is not.

The other thing I tell my students is that they don’t have to put all or any of the feedback into practice, they are the authors and gods of their work, and can do whatever they please. I have just found that more often than not, there is some valuable stuff we can get from our peers if we’re quiet just long enough to receive it.

I am quite good at this when it comes to my work. However I am terrible at it in other parts of my life. I can be incredibly defensive or as my sister so eloquently put it I get “funky” if I feel the least bit judged. Most the time this judgment is perceived rather that actual. I always assume that others are as critical of my life choices as I am, which is just not the case. In fact my haughty reaction to a persons advice is more so me defending against my own self critique.

That said I stand by my dislike of the phrase “you should” which is obnoxious and filled with “I’m better than you, so I am telling you what to do”. 

But will concede that I might find some nuggets of wisdom that are hugely valuable to me if I stop assuming everyone is judging me. If I could learn to stop being defensive, and instead quiet and receptive, maybe just maybe, I could learn something.

The Part

People have often described me by the oh so cliché phrase as “late bloomer”. And I suppose that is true if you buy into the idea that certain life events must happen at very specific ages (I of course don’t prescribe to this way of thinking, which is why, I’m guessing, I have earned the illustrious late blooming title)

It’s true I have done very little dating in my not-so-very-short-anymore life. I just never seemed to get around to it.  But lately I have been testing the waters with the activity that for so many others my age is old hat. 

I also happen to be job searching at the moment so that means that the dreaded interviews are also taking place.

So because these two things are happening in my life simultaneously I can’t help but draw some comparisons.

Dating and job interviews are both pretty much the same thing! Both can feel like completely ridiculous exercises of self humiliation. In both cases you are trying to project the best most confident version of yourself without showing any of your flaws. You are never your most authentic self in either case. I mean ok, I don’t go in and phony it up, cause after all I would be terrible at that. I am often so bad at hiding my true colors that it bites me in the butt. Who I present is me but it's just a much more polished, smiley- er version of me. One who is not riddled with neuroses and self-doubt. I play the part.

We all play the part. We play the part because we want the job or that that second date. We want the other person leaving thinking “wow I need a person like that in my universe”. In both situations you need to find the right balance of “why yes I am interested” and “why no, I am not so interested that I reek of desperation”

I don’t know, all I can say is I hope I get a job soon. 

As for the dating thing, it is what it is. I will treat it like I do many of the things in my life. A big social experiment.

One Day At a Time

I know it’s been a while since I wrote one of these. I sort of fell into my thesis and couldn’t get out for a spell. But I got through that and now I am glad to say I have an a Masters of Fine Arts degree, we shall see what that means exactly for this girl in transit in time I suppose.

And now I find myself starting a new chapter of my life. I am once again standing on the edge of uncertainty as I try to plot my next move. The thing is, I’m not a long-term planner. I never really have been. I figure out what I need to do in the immediate future, to say, pay my rent, or keep me from going home to my parents tail between my legs.  But long term goals such as say, having a five-year career plan, has never really been my thing.

Of course as I get older, it seems like I should be planning everything out more. I mean I have friends who are doing the whole grown up person thing. They have goals and careers, and life plans… all those things that seem to be so ephemeral or nebulous in my current situation.  It’s not that I don’t have goals, or dreams; I think they are just more fluid than other peoples.  I tend to follow my gut and take leaps hoping that the universe will catch me. It has served me well, but I can’t help but wonder if this trait, which undoubtedly made me seem passionate and courageous in my early twenties, seems a bit flaky and haphazard now that I am suppose to be a grown up type person.

Oh well. It’s quite common for me to get all analytical when I face a new chapter.

Here’s to another round of adventures and self-discovery. If nothing else, I will get some more blog entries from it!

Reset!

I know that everyone has a reset button.  Further more I know that we all have to use said button from time to time.

We all need to take some time to breath, take inventory and generally re-calibrate when our wheels become overworked from grinding into each other so much that they are not moving as efficiently as they should. Think of it as applying metaphorical WD40 to your mind (yes grandpa I believe in the power of WD40, just like you taught me)

Well this is exactly what I did last week. It was my spring break, and unlike last year when I took my amazing train trip, I decided to go and veg in my parent’s guest room.

Here is the thing, I grew up in a relatively rural town out in the desert, and it really is a great place to take a step back and be all sorts of introspective.  After spending the last quarter writing the first and second draft of my thesis script, teaching, and dealing with a whole lot of interpersonal drama I really needed to be introspective. The voices in my head were all talking at once, and I needed to take some time to hear their plights… one at a time please.

It also afforded me the opportunity to visit with some old friends who I have not seen in a while; drinking tea with one friend (She is getting ready to be a mommy and is adorable despite what she might say to the contrary), wine with others.  One of my friends (also soon to be mommy, and also adorable) is moving out of state so soon, so I was so very glad I got to see her. 

Another friend I had not seen since I was probably nineteen years old, it pretty awesome getting reacquainted. It was a rather profound having, grown up type conversation, with someone I had not seen since I was essentially a kid. A bit surreal, and gave me some perspective on how much I have grown in the past decade or so.

I also was able to attend a very fun musical at the community college that was once my stomping grounds. It was nice to see many old friends who were involved with the show and they did such an amazing job.

Most importunately I got to spend some quality time with the parents, these pockets of time seem like a luxury these days.

All and all, it was a good trip. Does it make me want to live there again? Well let’s just say my hometown is a very nice place to visit.

It was also nice to realize how much I was missed here.  Upon coming back my dance card has been full with visits from those who are apart of the life I’m creating here. A nice reminder for when I start to feel like an isolated solitary entity in this big city.

And now I feel like I am ready to take on the last leg of my thesis, as well as get my resume all shiny and pretty, cause (yikes beyond yikes) I am about to graduate, and what’s next is just around the corner.

There is No Place Like Home

I have spent the last decade or so feeling like a nomad. This is quite a contrast to the first 19 years of my life where I was born and raised in a small town, in a house that was built by my great grandfather. So this chapter of my life where I have never been anywhere much longer than 2 years has been particularly challenging.

 But it started me thinking about the lack of constancy in my life.  Though my parents in with a generous spirit have from time to time allowed me to come home when I am in between life adventures, but that said every place I have been in my young adult life has always been extremely temporary. Mine is, in fact, a life in transition, when it comes to the places I hang my hat. 

However there has been some stability in my life. It has come in the form of the connections to people in life. I recently had lunch with a friend from my undergrad days, and I could not help but notice how at peace I was hanging out with him. How nice it is to know someone who gets me, and knows the progress that I have made in the past years. Who loves me flaws and all, so much so that I can be completely transparent in their company without fear of rejection.

It made me realize I have lots of friends and family who make me feel that way. I came to the conclusion that sometimes the feeling of home is not confined to four walls, but often it comes in the form of the networks that we belong to. And that was really comforting for a girl in transit like myself.

Some Like it Hot

I am in the middle of a hot and consuming love affair. It is my secret shame, but perhaps making it public will help me to move forward.

That’s right, I am in love with the heater in our apartment.  The affair began during a cold and rainy day, and has not stopped. But here is the sick part… I live in LA (or a city sort of close). Yes, it is warm here, year round, and our cold days are embarrassingly pathetic when put up against real cold days in real cold places.

But I can’t get enough of standing next to the blazing wall heater as it all but scorches my skin. Of course this really annoys my roommates who am sure I have convinced that I am indeed part reptile. 

This is how I really know that I have a problem. There are times when the bloody thing is not even on, and yet I find myself standing near it. I just want to be close to it all times.

Perhaps it’s love, perhaps it’s obsession… whatever it is, it's clearly unhealthy.