Asleep At the Wheel

There are these phases in my life where it’s as if I am going through the motions of my day-to-day existence, and yet I don’t actually feel present. I find myself doing just the bare minimum to get me through.  It’s like being on autopilot in my own life. I am currently in one of those chapters.   

In these chapters that I am living a half capacity life it’s very hard not to let my old bad default behavior run the joint.  There was a time when I pretty much ran on anxiety and self -loathing. And if I am not fully present and focused I can resort back to that, it’s sort of like a really cruddy default.

The thing is you can’t live life like you are asleep at the wheel for long before something has to give.  I have, in the past, become reckless in an effort to shake myself awake. I have had mini (and not so mini) emotional breakdowns, and burned more bridges than I care to recount. It usually is a painful and exhausting experience. These things are all done as a way of jarring myself into the world of the living. 

But now I can’t help but wonder if there is a way to ease yourself back into being present in your life. I mean do I really have to shock my system to break loose of this hamster wheel that I am treading on?

I guess what I am hoping is that maybe, just maybe sometimes we can get the benefits of growing with out the pains. I know I am on the cusp of some change.  I am just hoping that I am in a cocoon right now, getting ready to spread my butterfly wings instead of a phoenix ready to combust.