I'm a Sour Candy

Recently a friend of mine expressed to me that he thought it was interesting how I was in many ways I was (to paraphrase) very aware but in other ways “still learning”. I made a joke about my arrested development issues, which yes there are a few.

I have always been drawn to dichotomies. I like things that don’t seem to make sense but still somehow seem to coexist, comfortably, or not so comfortably. Maybe I am drawn to this because I feel like that is what I am like inside. I’m a pendulum always swinging between extremes, or maybe I’m always just both.

When I was a kid they tested me because I was struggling in school. They believed that I had a processing disorder (which I did). The test results however proved a bit challenging for them. When I was in sixth grade my math was at a third grade level, my spelling was not much higher, but my reading comprehension was that of a college freshman. It was very hard to place me, and I am grateful that I did have lots of helpful teachers who supported me, and a mom who was in my corner to tailor an education that would suit my dichotomous needs.

It's weird because I still feel like I straddle different worlds. I can be outgoing at times, and painfully insecure at others (or sometimes both and the same time). I can be terribly sweet and sunshiny, but not without a love of sarcasm and a tinge of irreverence.

I often find that the people I gravitate to are like me in that sense. They are anarchist soccer moms and ice princess with a hearts of gold. They are jerks with a sensitive streak, or philosophical macho men.

Honestly we all straddle different worlds, and different personality traits. I don’t think many of us live in black and white world; most of us reside in gray town.  And I am glad it’s that way. 

I think that what makes sour candy so great is after you get that punch that first punch that makes you pucker, you have a greater appreciation for when it fades to sweet. 

Sour candy and life are just more interesting that way.  

Confession of a Control Freak

I am going to make a confession. I have come to terms with a part of myself that I always knew on some level existed, but never really wanted to admit too.

So here it goes…I am a control freak.

I know, this may come as a shock to some of you “but Jenn, you never volunteer to lead things.  You are not a type A personality.”

All these things are true. I am not a Type A, a perfectionist, or a born leader.

I don’t want to control others per se, but I do want to control the details of my life in ways that border on neurosis. And if anything or anyone threatens that I am not a happy camper. I will fight it, typically in my passive aggressive Virgo way (although when I was younger I did have a tendency to be a bit more aggressive aggressive, but that is an entirely different entry) I like my schedule, I like my routines. And if I get something in my head then it damn well better go that way. Now I do have the ability to do adapt and shift gears… but not after I have a little many melt down and mourning over the loss of my tightly made schedule.

What’s odd is I don’t do it with my big life plans.  I don’t plan were I will be in five years. I don’t know were I will be living or what I will be doing. I don’t feel like there are certain life milestones that one must hit by hit at specific times to be considered a successful and well rounded human. 

But my day-to-day life, now that’s a different story. I will micro manage the crap out of that.  And you know what, doing that will make you crazy. It is exhausting and anxiety provoking trying to control every little thing in your life. Mostly because it just can’t be done. There are too many unforeseen variables, too many called games on account of rain.  

So I need to change, because I am tired. I am tired of hanging on to every little detail of my life with white knuckles.

And so I’m letting go, and letting myself flow with the current.

 Or at least I’m going to try :) 

The Last Leviathan

“You know that if you get a care you have to drive it right?”

“ There will be other cars on the road to you do realize that?”

“You are aware that people in LA drive crazy aren’t you?”

This is just a sampling of the barrage of questions I have been slung at me since I have decided to let people in my life know that I am indeed looking for a car.

Yes it is that time.  I have postponed it for long enough. It is time for me to face my fear of driving in the big city.

And before you add to the onslaught of questions, let me assure you I have been chewing on the same questions in my brain for longer than you can imagine.  And for those of you who have asked these questions and were on the receiving end of my snapping turtle-ness I do apologize. It was my own anxiety and insecurity calling the shots, I’m not proud of it, but I’ve been living in this skin long enough to know that it happens.

But it is time.  Anyone who knows me (or is familiar with this blog) knows that driving is my biggest leviathan, my last great dragon. So this is big at least in my little narcissistic world.

The thing is I am a firm believer in change, even when it is painful or scary. Some of the most powerful life changing decisions I have made in my life has been the painful scary ones. And the truth is I may decide that I want to live in a city were mass transit is awesome and I never ever have to drive a car. But It will be my choice not something I am forced into because of fear. Too many of my choices of my decisions have been dictated by fear, and quite frankly I am done.

Positive is what Positive Does

I have for many years been a cynic.

This may come as a surprise to many casual acquaintances. I tend to operate in the my daily life with what appears to be a generally sunny disposition (It's not a complete act, but its not the whole truth either). But for those who know me really well (or those who have read my blog) you know that I struggle with feelings of personal inadequacy and distrust of the world around me.

However I am ever in transit, and I am constantly trying to evolve beyond my deficiencies, be they real or perceived. I am trying to see the best in others, rather than the Big Bad Wolf in everyone I meet.

I want to be open to the positive people and experiences that the universe has to offer me, and I feel like in order to do that I have to put out positivity into the world. It’s all very Law of Attraction (and believe me I have made fun of the Law of Attraction more times than I can count) but really what’s the harm in thinking good thoughts.

The way I see it is this, if I have a positive attitude and believe that positive things will happen to me then it will be double awesome when they do.  And if things don’t work out well, I figure the positive attitude will help me deal with the blow with less anxiety and stress then if I had a bad attitude. I win both ways.

So this is my experiment, I am going to try to put nothing but good vibes out into the world with the hope that the universe will answer back favorably.

Wish me luck!