Thou Shalt Receive

When I teach writing classes one of the things I do is make my students be quiet when they are getting feedback. I have a “no defending your work rule”. Because here is the thing, if they get too caught up in defending their work, then they will not be receptive to any ideas that could make their piece better. I have found this a very effective tool, both for my students and for me as a writer. Usually if I just keep my mouth shut, I can take home the critique given to me and I can sort through what is useful and what is not.

The other thing I tell my students is that they don’t have to put all or any of the feedback into practice, they are the authors and gods of their work, and can do whatever they please. I have just found that more often than not, there is some valuable stuff we can get from our peers if we’re quiet just long enough to receive it.

I am quite good at this when it comes to my work. However I am terrible at it in other parts of my life. I can be incredibly defensive or as my sister so eloquently put it I get “funky” if I feel the least bit judged. Most the time this judgment is perceived rather that actual. I always assume that others are as critical of my life choices as I am, which is just not the case. In fact my haughty reaction to a persons advice is more so me defending against my own self critique.

That said I stand by my dislike of the phrase “you should” which is obnoxious and filled with “I’m better than you, so I am telling you what to do”. 

But will concede that I might find some nuggets of wisdom that are hugely valuable to me if I stop assuming everyone is judging me. If I could learn to stop being defensive, and instead quiet and receptive, maybe just maybe, I could learn something.