Sunday, July 29, 2012

The Follow Through!


I have to work on my follow through. I have this terrible habit of working on a script or a piece of creative writing and then I do nothing with it. This would not be a problem if I were just writing as a hobby. But the thing is, I would ultimately like to make a career with my words. 

There are lots of contests and things out there for the novice writer, and I have been encouraged by lots of folks in my life to take advantage of such things. I don’t know why I don’t. I think sometimes I get so deep into re-writes that I never feel like the work is ready to be seen. I’m sure it has something to do with my lack of confidence, and the fear of rejection.

But I have decided to face my fear of rejection and just go for it. In fact, from what I understand, rejection is sort of a rite of passage for us creative types… that’s where my new favorite word comes in… TENACITY… I need to have the tenacity to just keep sending stuff out despite the odds that are against me. 

It is going to be difficult to keep focusing on my writing in this particular chapter of my life. After all I am still looking for a job in an economy where jobs are not super easy to come by (there are some leads on that front, which is good, cause you know paying rent, and eating are lovely things) but even with all this going on I must remember that I have big dreams that I want to shoot for, and now is as good a time as any to shoot for them.

And those of you that know me personally feel free to harass me from time to time about getting my work out… I need a little accountability from time to time. 

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Because I'm Worth It!


I’ve never been one to trust confidence. Rather I have never been one to trust it in myself. I like confidence in others. I (and this is very common I think for all humans) gravitate words those with an air of self-love. Those are often the most fun people to be around. Those are the kind of people one can really learn from.

However, in my self I always felt that if I believed something I did was good or worthwhile, than I was crossing over into arrogance. So to avoid that by swinging the other way… I spent an embarrassing amount of time in my life convinced that I was worthless. In fact I would say that many of my accomplishments have been fueled by the fact that I felt the need to prove to myself that I can do something… anything of substance.

Of course now I feel like I am finally figuring out the difference between confidence and arrogance. Confidence is a belief in ones capabilities; arrogance is the belief one is better than everyone else.

 I am starting to be okay with being confident. And beating yourself up is just self-destruction, not a way to avoid arrogance… I don’t wan to live in that world anymore.

I am still learning to trust confidence in myself, but I am getting better at it. I am getting better and asking what I want from life, and believing that I deserve it. I am getting better at believing that I have something of worth to say. It’s a slow process, but I’m getting there, and that, I think, is note worthy. 

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Tenacious as a Mule


tenacious


adj
1.
holding or grasping firmly; forceful: a tenacious grip
2.
retentive: a tenacious memory
3.
stubborn or persistent: a tenacious character
4.
holding together firmly; tough or cohesive: tenacious cement
5.
tending to stick or adhere: tenacious mud


I have been thinking of this word a lot lately. Initially because one of my dear friends kept brining it up. He kept telling me to have tenacity while I was trying to finish off my degree. It is particularly relevant to me now as I am trying to grab myself a job and (this is even more important) as I go after my dreams.

The thing about dreams is they tend to be these scary, risk filled things to go after. They also tend to be things that people can stomp on if you let them.

A dream can be a fragile thing.  

What better word than tenacious could be used to describe how we should pursue our dreams?
So that’s what I intend to do, I wand to hold firmly to my dreams, I will go after them with a stubborn persistence.

Tenacious… it just might be my most favorite word.

   

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

I'm on a Boat!


As I have stated before, my parents have a little speedboat that they like to pull up to Big Bear Lake during the summers. It’s what desert people do. We have little boats that we haul to places that have water.

Well last Sunday I was able to join them for one of these fun little excursions. It was made even more special because my Grandmother is visiting, and she got to ride on the boat too, something she misses since she moved.

I love being out on the water with my family. There is peacefulness to it. Chatting, and sun worshiping, all while periodically dipping my fingers into the cool mountain water. It really is the definition of bliss.

The opposite of this tranquility is the madness that ensues when its time to dock the boat. It becomes a blur of people jumping off the boat, and the tossing of rope in an effort to tie the drifting watercraft so that it does not float away. It is also a hugely anxiety provoking two person job to get the boat in and out of the lake, on person driving the backing the truck up into the water, as the other person drives the boat all while other folks are trying to do the same with their families. Now to be fair, my fear of all things with steering wheels has made it so that I have never have had to participate much in the practices of getting the boat in or out. Though I have been known to forget to untie the rope before bringing the boat in, or not leave enough slack so that the poor boat slams its side into dock. Neither thing makes my papa very pleased.  If we get through the loading and unloading with no one yelling, and no hurt feelings, it was a good boat day.

But watching this got me thinking (and here I go hitting you with another transition metaphor, you know you love it ;) life is a lot like our family boating trips. There are moments that we are good, gliding along aware of all that is beautiful and good, but to get to those moments we have to go through some rough ones, we have to live through the frustration and anxiety of change to get to the good stuff, to appreciate the smooth sailing.

I am currently in one of those transitional periods. I know that I just have to hang in there and do what needs to be done, believing that I will find some tranquility again.


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Thou Shalt Receive


When I teach writing classes one of the things I do is make my students be quiet when they are getting feedback. I have a “no defending your work rule”. Because here is the thing, if they get too caught up in defending their work, then they will not be receptive to any ideas that could make their piece better. I have found this a very effective tool, both for my students and for me as a writer. Usually if I just keep my mouth shut, I can take home the critique given to me and I can sort through what is useful and what is not.

The other thing I tell my students is that they don’t have to put all or any of the feedback into practice, they are the authors and gods of their work, and can do whatever they please. I have just found that more often than not, there is some valuable stuff we can get from our peers if we’re quiet just long enough to receive it.

I am quite good at this when it comes to my work. However I am terrible at it in other parts of my life. I can be incredibly defensive or as my sister so eloquently put it I get “funky” if I feel the least bit judged. Most the time this judgment is perceived rather that actual. I always assume that others are as critical of my life choices as I am, which is just not the case. In fact my haughty reaction to a persons advice is more so me defending against my own self critique.

That said I stand by my dislike of the phrase “you should” which is obnoxious and filled with “I’m better than you, so I am telling you what to do”. 

But will concede that I might find some nuggets of wisdom that are hugely valuable to me if I stop assuming everyone is judging me. If I could learn to stop being defensive, and instead quiet and receptive, maybe just maybe, I could learn something.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Part


People have often described me by the oh so cliché phrase as “late bloomer”. And I suppose that is true if you buy into the idea that certain life events must happen at very specific ages (I of course don’t prescribe to this way of thinking, which is why, I’m guessing, I have earned the illustrious late blooming title)

It’s true I have done very little dating in my not-so-very-short-anymore life. I just never seemed to get around to it.  But lately I have been testing the waters with the activity that for so many others my age is old hat. 

I also happen to be job searching at the moment so that means that the dreaded interviews are also taking place.

So because these two things are happening in my life simultaneously I can’t help but draw some comparisons.

Dating and job interviews are both pretty much the same thing! Both can feel like completely ridiculous exercises of self humiliation. In both cases you are trying to project the best most confident version of yourself without showing any of your flaws. You are never your most authentic self in either case. I mean ok, I don’t go in and phony it up, cause after all I would be terrible at that. I am often so bad at hiding my true colors that it bites me in the butt. Who I present is me but it's just a much more polished, smiley- er version of me. One who is not riddled with neuroses and self-doubt. I play the part.

We all play the part. We play the part because we want the job or that that second date. We want the other person leaving thinking “wow I need a person like that in my universe”. In both situations you need to find the right balance of “why yes I am interested” and “why no, I am not so interested that I reek of desperation”

I don’t know, all I can say is I hope I get a job soon. 

As for the dating thing, it is what it is. I will treat it like I do many of the things in my life. A big social experiment.



Sunday, July 8, 2012

One Day At a Time


I know it’s been a while since I wrote one of these. I sort of fell into my thesis and couldn’t get out for a spell. But I got through that and now I am glad to say I have an a Masters of Fine Arts degree, we shall see what that means exactly for this girl in transit in time I suppose.

And now I find myself starting a new chapter of my life. I am once again standing on the edge of uncertainty as I try to plot my next move. The thing is, I’m not a long-term planner. I never really have been. I figure out what I need to do in the immediate future, to say, pay my rent, or keep me from going home to my parents tail between my legs.  But long term goals such as say, having a five-year career plan, has never really been my thing.

Of course as I get older, it seems like I should be planning everything out more. I mean I have friends who are doing the whole grown up person thing. They have goals and careers, and life plans… all those things that seem to be so ephemeral or nebulous in my current situation.  It’s not that I don’t have goals, or dreams; I think they are just more fluid than other peoples.  I tend to follow my gut and take leaps hoping that the universe will catch me. It has served me well, but I can’t help but wonder if this trait, which undoubtedly made me seem passionate and courageous in my early twenties, seems a bit flaky and haphazard now that I am suppose to be a grown up type person.

Oh well. It’s quite common for me to get all analytical when I face a new chapter.

Here’s to another round of adventures and self-discovery. If nothing else, I will get some more blog entries from it!