The Social Recluse

When I was a little girl there were few things I dreaded more than the party invite. The idea of being trapped at a friend’s birthday celebration was enough to cause my child’s heart to sink. And if it was a slumber party forget about it. The result of these invites would lead me inevitably into a fight with my mother, she could not understand why her daughter was so reluctant to go and have fun.

The thing was, it was not fun for me. It was an exercise in social torture. I would get so anxious being around all the other kids that I would inevitably say or do something stupid (or at least thought I did). I often left these parties feeling as though I had embarrassed myself in some unredeemable fashion. Sure there were moments were I really did have a good time, but typically I had worked myself up so much prior that my adrenaline (and even more dire my bowels) would keep me from really enjoying myself.

So I found that reading alone in my room was a far more desirable use of my time.  This past time kept me safe from making a fool of myself, though it did have the side effect of loneliness. This was a very hard thing to reconcile as a child; in fact it is a very hard thing to reconcile as an adult.

I have become far better in social situations as a grown up type person, but the socially anxious side of me lives on, despite some of my best efforts to eradicate it. And I feel like this is a season where my deep down hermit is reemerging with a vengeance.

Believe me when I say that I truly do enjoy the company of family and friends. I like spending time with people that I care about. But I have found that events with lots of people, even those that I love, tend to be extremely draining for me. And if there is an event with a lot of people I don’t know then I become so over stimulated and worked up, that all I can think about is how to get out of the situation as soon as possible.

I know that being an anti-social recluse is not an option. And to be honest too much time in my own company would probably make me certifiable.

But I know there has to be a balance (one I have not found yet). I mean, it’s got to be ok to be a bit of a homebody right, to like to be alone from time to time?

Of course the flip side is, if it’s fear that is driving my anti-social behavior than that’s something to be examined. I have spent too many years allowing fear to dictate my actions. When one does that it severely impairs their quality of life. I know this from first had experience.

I don’t know, I guess I am just looking for the happy medium. A point were I find the right balance between my social side, and my hermit side. If and when I find it, you will be the first to know dear readers.