Bohimian vs. the Machine

I have a lot of friends. I am very lucky in that way.  I have had the good fortune of meeting many incredible people from different walks of life and different backgrounds. I learn from my friends. I grow from them. They make my life richer. Often times it is through them that I learn about myself.

The thing about having lots of friends is you end up being around individuals who are opposing ends of the proverbial spectrum. Some of my friends are extremely put together, grown up type people who work in the system, and the system is better for it. Other friends of mine are fringe culture individuals who stare straight in the eye of convention only to openly defy it. And this is a great thing. I admire their freedom, and guts.

However this admiration I feel does tend to put a magnifying glass on aspects of my own life.  It makes me question whom exactly I am, because I don’t really know where it is that I fall on the spectrum.

I would like to see myself being ambitious. I want to be someone one who has the hustle to acquire the success that would allow me to have the resources to take care everyone that I care about.  But in truth I don’t know if I have what it takes to play that role either.

I would also like to think of myself as a free spirit, one who makes up her old rules. Someone who can trust that the universe will provide what little I need to survive, and to be humbly content.  But honestly I don’t think my nerves can handle that.

So here I am wondering what I am? Where do I fit? Who will I become?  I don’t know the answer. Perhaps my path isn’t supposed to look like any of my friends. Perhaps it has its own structure that falls somewhere between the two, and that is okay. Or perhaps it wont fall anywhere near the spectrum. And that’s going to have to be okay too.