Girl literally in Transit

I am taking a trip. This is a big deal for me.

I have a grab bag of anxieties and fears that I carry with me all the time. I periodically pull from the bag so that I can have a great big panic attack. Why do I do this, your guess is as good as mine. My mother said I was even afraid of chucky cheese as a kid. Though to be fair, I think many would argue that giant man size rodents are indeed something to be leery of.

One of my most prevailing fears is that of mass transit, and considering I don’t have a car, this fear is one of my most inconvenient. So I decided to face this fear head on. I’m taking a six-hour train ride to see a friend of mine in a couple of days. Now I understand that taking say, a fifteen-minute bus ride to the grocery store might be a more sensible way to deal with an anxiety-provoking phobia. It would be wise to build myself up to longer trips in increments… but I have not always been sensible and I have no desire to start now.

For those of you who have not lived in illogical fear of your own shadow, then allow me to give you a peek into my world. When confronted with something that scares me i.e. speeding cars, overcrowded stores, birds (don’t ask) or yes mass transit I go into anxiety mode.  This usually involves one or multiple of the following, sweaty palms, an inability to breath, and a pounding heart.  Now granted, this may sound to some of you like the symptoms of young love. And I suppose it could be similar, except for the fact that there is none of the giddy butterflies and there is no promise of the… um… the benefits that young love usually culminates with. So basically it is an irrational freak for the sake of an irrational freak out.  Living with fear and anxiety is indeed not fun. But see the only way to really get rid of an irrational fear is to confront it. To put you in that state, and actually provoke the fear. The body can’t maintain that heightened state for a really long duration, it’s too exhausting. So that’s my plan, to wear myself out. I’m thinking that six hours will be sufficient time to deplete me of my energy to panic.