Red Roots

In the spirit of needing to “just write”, I have decided to write something frivolous and fun today. I want to write about red lipstick!

So I have a love of red lipstick. It’s my favorite. Despite the fact that it often makes it’s way onto my teeth and it is probably full of toxins and chemicals that I would be horrified to apply directly to my lips. But I love the stuff.

Why do I love it? Well there is the obvious reason. I like the way it looks. Red is a great color, and it looks good on me. Simple.

But that’s not the only reason. I am a bit of an insecure fraidy cat.  Red is a bold color, and to wear red lipstick you’re basically demanding people to look at you. It’s not a meek choice in cosmetics. And though I often am uncomfortable in my own skin, I feel like a girl who wears red lipstick is not, and I like feeling like that girl. Perhaps it’s my “fake it till ya make it” moment!  And I have to say when I see myself in the mirror sporting with deep crimson lips I do feel slightly more powerful.

Of course this is one more reason I wear it, and this one is closes to my heart. It has to do with family. This seems strange I know. But you see I had a great great aunt name Beulah.  And from everything I hear, the woman was fierce. She was independent, eccentric and interesting. She traveled a lot before finally settling herself in San Francisco; a city that I am sure suited her temperament perfectly. She also never married, which I assume was a super big deal in those days. And one of the things that Aunt Beulah was known for was her love of the color red. In fact there was a story that she would tell about how she was engaged to a man, who told her that when they got married she would no longer be able to wear red.  Upon hearing this, she immediately gave him back his ring and told him that she could not marry him if that was the case.  Though my grandmother says that she thinks the facts of the story might have been funneled through Beulah’s ever-creative imagination, I like this story and it has stuck with me. I guess when I don the red it makes me feel closer to this strong woman. I like the fact that when I am wearing red lipstick it reminds me that I am her descendent, that she is part of the roots that I grew from and that the fierceness she possessed is in me too!

Girl With Goals

I’m feeling ambitious this summer. Like the beginning of most summers I am optimistic about how productive I will be with my time. Of course I often end the summer with a bit of self-disgust as I tally up the hours that I grotesquely wasted.  But I am optimistic at the moment and I hope to achieve some, if not all, of my lofty goals.

First goal, I plan to work on my health. Last quarter descended into a hole of sedentary homework doing, and vile junk food consuming. Like I have said before, remember the papas , my health has in the past few years become an important issue to me.  Now again let me be clear, it is not about trying to conform to some ultra thin idea of beauty, what it is about is feeling healthier and stronger, that’s what is important to me.

Next goal, I want to go through some of my earthly possessions, and purge. I have become quite the pack rat over the years and it’s kind of sickening. So in the spirit of transformation, I want to sort through my things and get rid of the excess. A side note, it is sad that we live in a society where excess is the problem.  But anyways this is going to be quite the task for me because I am on the just a few possessions away of being a hoarder, so I will essentially be trying to de-program myself. Should be cake right?

Most important goal, I need to write! I need to write and write and write until I can’t write anymore. I need to complete first drafts of some scripts, and rework some existing ones. I also have a contest or two that I want to enter my work into. If I am gong to try to make writing my vocation then I need to be doing it. I need to write. And that includes checking in here, because after all this blog is a great way to stretch that writing muscle!

Summer Yo Yo

I know, I know, it’s been a while since I have checked in. The only excuse I have is that it was a mad busy quarter for me, leaving me very little time to breath, save write on my little blog here. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I actually cried a few times from exhaustion and stress during this crazy quarter. Here is the thing, assignments aren’t really anything to cry over… but alas I did, and it was shameful. I am back though. It’s summer and I can breath!

Once again I find myself spending the warm weather months in my parents guest room. I have for the past couple years lived on campus because, well, I am the carless wonder with the phobia of mass transit.  So as soon as the school year ends I am kicked out of the dorms, and my parents being the generous people that they are, allow their not-so-baby-bird to come home for a season. 

As kind as it is that my parents let me do this, I would like this to be the last time yoyo back to my hometown.  And sense I am feeling a bit more confident with the metro because of my crazy spring break trip, Girl literally in transit, I know it’s time to move off campus in the fall! It’s scary (because I am still the girl who is afraid of her own shadow) but that’s okay, because I am all about change right now. We change and we adapt as a way to survive. And that what I want to do, I want to survive and even more important I want to thrive. 

So here is to my last summer camping out on in my parents guest room. I intend to enjoy it while I can, cause if all goes as planed, I will be in a crappy apartment of my very own in the city.

Flying in the Face of Fear

Something momentous happened today. A bird flew very near my face, and I did not flinch.

Now this may seem like a minor event. After all, birds fly around us everyday, especially since we humans are taking up more and more space on the planet due to overpopulation. It’s inevitable that we have a few head on collisions with nature.  And I am sure there are many people who have no problem with the presence of our feathered friends.  I will admit they are beautiful and amazing creatures (minus the in flight pooping, which I think we can all agree is a less desirable quality)

But for a very long time (and I am not sure when it started exactly) birds have frightened me. On more than one occasion the winged animals have sent me screaming in the other direction.

There is one instance I remember quite clearly when I was in one of those warehouse stores with a very good friend of mine. There happened to be a bird that somehow had flown himself into the store. My friend, a bit of a prankster, knowing my fear, chased the bird in my direction (yes we are still friends surprisingly enough). In a state of panic I dove into a display of economy size toilet paper rolls.

But today I did not flinch when a bird flew very near my face . And though it is an isolated instance, I feel like it is a micro example of a bigger happening in my life.

I am changing. I have the ability to change. I can overcome the fears that have held me back.

Now I am not saying that I want to be locked in a cage with a flock of pigeons. And I am not saying that I am ready to face everything that scares me head on. I’m just noting that there has progress, and progress gives me hope for greater successes ahead. And that is a beautiful thing.

The Un-Friend Friend

We all have them. They are our non-friend friends. Those people in our lives that make us question why we let them in, in the first place. Those individuals who tend to complicate our lives by bringing an unhealthy dose of negative energy. They are poison friends. They are emotional vampires sucking out our precious well being.

So why do we keep them? I know I for one have a hard time letting go of people that are not good for me. I think it’s partly because extracting such people from my life typically involves some sort of confrontation. I guess there is a way to phase people out, but this depends on how intimately involved with the person you are. I mean if you are spending lots of your precious hours with someone, and then you are suddenly are not, well they might become suspicious. You will get that confrontation that you where trying to avoid, only now it will be on their terms.

So that does leave you with going to the person, and addressing the problem head on. This is exhausting, and often painful for the parties involved. And sometimes the toxic types of people are not receptive to what you have to say anyways.

So again, why do we keep them? Perhaps even more importantly how did they get in our lives in the first place?

Well in my case, these types of relationships seem to spring up when I am most vulnerable. In times of great change, or when I am feeling my loneliest. I can recognize that. But by the time I realize that they are not good for me, they have firmly rooted themselves in my life.

I suppose they do serve one purpose. When contrasted to the better relationships in my life, I can really see how good the good ones are.

Of course I really should make the effort to extract the weeds in my life. We all should, we have the right to be emotionally and mentally healthy. And if a relationship hinders that emotional health, then it is not worth keeping. It has been a hard lesson for me, but one that I know is worth learning.

Baby it's Warm Outside!

The weather is becoming warm again. I like the change. I like the sunshine. I have a pretty high tolerance for heat, which I can only assume comes from being raised in the desert. My mother says that my tolerance will become lower as I age, so I guess I should enjoy the heat while I can.

With flowers blooming, and the sun shinning warm on my face, I can’t help but feel my personal brand of cautious hope. Despite my typical tendency to be pessimistic, I find myself swinging dangerously close to optimism as of late. It is strange feeling comfortable in my own skin because self doubt and insecurity in the past been such steadfast companions.

Now am not saying that I am ready to hang up my negativity hat for good. I know myself too well for that. I am aware that I have lots to deal with in the next weeks, and I will have plenty of opportunity to beat myself up, should I give into it. 

But for the moment, I am happy. We finished a successful run of THE MILKMAN, the first time something I wrote was produced (so exciting). I have a loving family and great friends, both new and old who fill my life with more pleasure than a person has a right too. There are some opportunities on the horizon that look promising which is always exciting.

And most important the sun has been shinning!!!

Who knows what the next days will bring. But right now, in the moment I am happy, and I will choose to embrace and honor that.

We Have Voices... We Must Use Them!

We all have something to say. We have convictions, passions, and reasons for speaking up. But there are times when people don’t want to hear what we have to say, or don’t like the way we say it.

Doesn’t matter. Say it anyways.

May we all have the wisdom to be open, and receptive to opinions that are valuable to our growth. May we also have the wisdom to defend ourselves from the opinions that do not serve us, but rather seek to tear us down, or make us feel small and insignificant.

I hope that I am always strong enough and convicted enough to use my voice!