Break up, Spring, and My Factory Setting

So today is the first day of spring (at least according to the Calendar, I don’t know that our friends in the East coast will agree). But none-the-less it’s feeling spring like here, and I am feeling an interest in beginnings and growth and all that jazz. Especially since I feel like I have been in a bit of a personal winter.

So yeah in the spirit of spring, new chapters, onward and upward, and any other metaphor you can think of for that kind of thing, I have decided to do a couple week cleanse/detox. I will be significantly cutting out most dairy, I will be getting rid of sugar (save what occurs naturally in things like fruit and stuff) and getting rid of fake chemical no calorie sweeteners too. I will also be avoiding booze… even my beloved glass of evening wine.

All of that sounds pretty doable, the one thing I am extremely nervous about is that I will also be saying bye to coffee for a while. Coffee and I have a deep, loving connection, so I think this is going to feel more like a break up than a dietary choice. But the truth is I think this is something important I have to do for me. I think the coffee is making my already nervous disposition out of control, and I think it has been messing with how my body functions as a whole. so I have decided I love me more than I love coffee.

I am doing it because I want to try to get my body reset to its natural settings. We spend so much time fueling our bodies with chemicals and crap that I think we are making ourselves physically and emotionally ill. I think that my anxiety and depression is exacerbated by the stuff I consume. I am taking these steps in order to feel more whole.

 I am excited about this change

Course I may not be saying that as I am dealing with the first few days of the caffeine headaches, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Love The Drive

Ok so my struggle with driving has been no secret. I have made my journey with my driving phobia extremely transparent on this blog. And anyone who knows me knows first hand ( after all many of you have dragged my non driving butt around… I’m sorry and thank you) and believe me it’s still an ongoing battle. That said I have been driving around much more. Currently I am working as a substitute teacher for two school districts. Which means I am driving around to different schools all the time.  One of these districts has schools pretty far out, rural communities, so I find myself some mornings commuting 20 or 30 minutes out. I have been driving more because of this, and actually spending quite a bit of time on the freeways. Granted the freeways around here are nothing like they are in L.A. but considering there was a time when I wouldn’t get behind a wheel at all I count it as progress.

And since I have been driving more I’ve noticed there are actually things I do enjoy about driving myself around… gasp I know!  And I figured I would share them with you. Hopefully I will learn to love more things about driving as time goes by… but I have to start somewhere so here it goes…

First off, I like Emmerson Jean, my little car.  He is a good car who gets me around well. Yeah he is a bit dinged (yes I did do the dinging, but he is kind and has forgiven me)

I love playing my music, and singing at the top of my lungs. I think it might even be better than shower singing.

I like the freedom. Now that the phobia is starting to get less debilitating the ability to get up and go is starting to out weight the fear and that’s beautiful. I have even gotten on the freeway to drive to the next city over to visit a friend… there was a time when I would have missed opportunities because I was trapped by the fear and that is changing.

The drive home is awesome… well provided there are not too many Semi trucks on the road. After a day of being drained of my sanity and emotion by needy students, it is nice to get in my care and just listen to my thoughts (and my music). It’s in those moments I almost understand why people love to drive.

So yeah, I’m still working on it. And yes I still freak out when the traffic is heavy or when I am not sure exactly where I am going. But it is getting easier, and I am learning to enjoy the small victories.... so as far as I am concerned that’s movement in the right direction.

Love Thyself as Thy Neighbor Loves Thee

I am an extremely loved person. I have a network of people around me that support me and root for me, in ways that are difficult for me to fathom. The family and friends in my life rally around me with love that is so unconditional and without reservations that it makes my head spin.

Of course all this love doesn’t compensate for the fact that I am not getting love and support from the one person I really really need it.

Myself.

I have talked about it before on this blog that I struggle with loving myself, or even liking myself. It is not an intuitive thing for me. Sure I have moments where I start to grab a hold of an emotion that appears to be a positive self-attitude. And I am not nearly as hard on myself as I once was.

But the truth of the matter is that I still have a lot of work to do. I am discovering how deep this problem goes.  I am discovering that I rely on my various relationships to make up for the love I do not feel for myself. And it does work… for a while anyway. The trouble is that it’s not sustainable. You can’t rely on others to feel a deficit that is inside of you. It has often made me needy and difficult in my relationships.  Sometimes I make poor decisions based on this need to keep people around whether they are toxic or not. And of course this leads to me beating myself up (something that does come extremely intuitively to me) and in turns depends the deficit. It's hard on the good relationships in my life. I lean on people so much that it puts pressure on them. It all becomes so draining.   

I have also have begun to realize that every accomplishment I have achieved, every talent I have, I use as a way to get others approval. If people approve of me, then maybe I will learn to approve of myself.

But it’s never enough.  And I am tired. I am tired of jumping through hoops to seek others affirmation.  I am tired of beating myself up.

So I think the first step is forgiveness. I have to learn to forgive myself for my for all the things that I am ashamed of, the mistakes I have made both real or perceived. It’s hard to love someone that you are carrying resentment and anger towards. I also think that I need to really start thinking about what motivates my behavior. The decisions I make need to start coming from a place of self love and respect.  

So this might be the biggest transition I have ever made. It may be the hardest thing I have ever done, but if I can learn to love myself unconditionally and without reservation, could be the most worthwhile. 

Some Weather We're Having

I was having a conversation with my Uncle about the weather. It doesn’t seem like a topic that would reap profound revelations, but this time it did.

We where discussing the rain storm that California recently was hit with. I told him “I am not a big fan of the rain, but we need it badly so I’m grateful for it”

That got me thinking about my life right now. I think it is fair to say that the last few months have been a bit of storm.  I have been through a series of events that have lead back to square one. Living once again in my hometown, with my parents. Not exactly where I planned to be at this particular juncture of my life.

It has been a hard season. A “when it rains it pours” sort of season. But it was necessary. I needed it. I have learned so much in this storm and I am finally feeling like I am breaking out of a rut that I have been stuck in for the last year.

I have become more determined and focused on what it is that I want for my life. I know that I don’t want to be in this position again. And I know that the reason I am is because I have been too afraid to go after what I want. But that has changed. I am ready to move forward and if that means going after jobs that will lead me on grand adventures to places I have never been then so be it. And if it means taking not-so-awesome jobs for now that will help me to get to that place that I need to go than so be that too.

I have also come to realize that there is really very little room for self-doubt. I have to be brave and take care of myself, and trust that I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for.

That said, I have also been reminded once again that I have so many wonderful people in my life. I have had real moments of bitterness, depression, and selfishness during lately. I am not proud of this, but it’s true. I am so very grateful for those of who have reached out to me in my most unlovable moments.  I hope that I can be there for them someday the same way they have been for me.

It’s not exactly all sunshine yet, but the sky is clearing and the rain is slowing down.  I am hopeful for my future, and I am grateful for what this season continues to teach me.