2014 In A List

It’s time for my year in a list. It seems like every year I do this list entry, and promise to start writing more in my blog… and this year is no different.

It has been a rather eventful year, one with lots of highs and some serious lows for me and mine, so I suppose it deserves a minute or two of reflection.

Without further ado, 2014:

1. I returned to sub teaching, it’s paying the bills and for that I am grateful.

2. I started running (slowly) and ran my first 5K! 

3. I began exploring the religion of my parents and grandparents a little more; it’s a whole thing.

4. Learned how to make a cosmopolitan.

5. Discovered my love of vegan protein powder in smoothies.

6. Tried not to drive my parents completely batty as I live in their house.

7. Starting taking pictures as a form of meditation.

8. Turned my focus to the present.

9. Made an effort to say yes even when fear wanted me to say no.

10. I auditioned for a play after six years absence from doing and actual show was cast as Hermia in Midsummer Nights dream! (And loved ones from far and wide came to see it <3)

11. Got to play Steph in The Brown shoes

12. Got to perform in both the main stage and black box of a new performing arts center

13. Confirmed once again that I enjoy acting, but I am NOT an actor.

14. Cried a lot.

15. Slept in a hospital chair, as my mom recovered from surgery to remove her cancer filled ureter and Kidney. 

 16. Was reminded once again how incredible my friends and family are especially has my mom dealt with her health issues.

17. Had some great heart to hearts with my mom.

18. Dressed in a corset and tutu with my mom and sister and did a West Hollywood Halloween.

19. Started driving on the freeways more... even to Hesperia!!!

20. Hurt some feelings. Got my feelings hurt.

21. Let go of a lot of my anxiety (it’s still there but not nearly like it was)

22. Tried to be better and being a friend. Not sure if I was successful, but tried.

23. Ha a wonderful birthday celebration up in big bear with the family, I love that my daddy and I have the same bday!

24. Got my passport, and with the invitation of a very dear friend, got on a plane (well actually a few) and went to Columbia.

25. Kept on moving, even when it was dark, couldn’t see my way and my heart hurt, I kept going.

26. Had some guilt. Let some go. 

27. Has a spiritual awakening.  

28. Still kissing frogs. Still taking dance breaks. Still drinking wine (even if its less). Still writing bad poetry. Some habits are hard to break, especially when you have no intention to break them.

Happy New Years to everyone! Wishing you love and light in 2015 <3 

Momma Said There'd Be Day's Like This

One of my favorite affirmations is “I am exactly where I need to be right now”.

As many of you know, due to series of not super fun events and tough decisions I find myself back living with my parents in my hometown, in the house of my childhood. I am not the first Grad school graduate to be in this position and I doubt I will be the last given how hard it is these days to make ones way in the world.

In fact in light of recent events I am very glad to be right where I am.

We just discovered that my mom has cancer in her kidney.  It’s scary and sucks, but we have faith that it has stayed localized. We are still in the gathering information stage, but we are hopeful and positive.

I just feel really grateful that I am here right now to be with my parents and to give an extra helpful hand where it is needed.

Those of you, who know my mom, know what a strong, amazing person she is. She gave me permission to share this on my blog because she believes in the power of prayers and positive thought, and wants me to enlist as many people I can to send her good vibes. We have an amazing network of family and friends in the world who are in her corner and who have been showing so much support since we found out. I feel like the more people in her corner the better! 

Life throws you curveballs, and cancer is a big stupid ugly curve ball… but as a dear friend put it to me we have to keep “laughing, loving and living” because that is the “best defense against Cancer”. 

Light and Love

A New Form of Transit

I am not an athlete. I am awkward and clumsy. My hand eye coordination is bad. And if I am perfectly honest, I was always more interested in writing poetry than doing cardio.

So you can imagine that no one is more surprised at my new hobby than me. I will admit it… I like to run.  Is my form great? Am I fast? Will I be winning any races anytime soon? No, no and no. But I’m getting better at it and I kind of love it.

Sometimes it’s hard to pin down exactly why I love it. After all it’s hard for me, and it has a tendency to give me an angry planters heel, and when I go to the track people who have decades on me sometimes do actually lap me. There are times when I think, “Why the hell am I doing this?”

But really I do know why. I like the challenge of it, the feeling I get when I go from running one mile, to two, to two in a half. I also like the meditative quality of it. Running is really really hard for me, and sometimes my brain goes into this alternate meditative state that allows me to keep going and I feel like it is almost a spiritual experience. It also makes me literally happy, like I think it fills me with endorphins, and in a season where I have been in a bit of a funk, something that makes me happy is definitely welcome. I also like the fact that because I have been running I was able to complete my first 5k… yes I walked some, but mostly I ran and that felt pretty darn good.

So yeah, running is a thing I do now, and I want to keep doing it awkward and clumsy that I am.

Observations on subbing

Life can take us on strange rides. Our lives can change trajectories at any given moment. So because life has strange twists and turns I once again find myself working as a substitute teacher. It isn’t exactly where I picture myself at this juncture in my life, but its not a bad gig and most days I find something to smile about while I do it.

It’s interesting doing it a second time around, I am reminded of things that I had maybe forgot about from the first go round. So I figured I would compile some of my observations that I have made about it.

1.     You get asked “who are you today” on a daily basis and it doesn’t seem weird.

2.     Jr. High school kids are difficult people, they use to be adorable little kids, and eventually they will become young adults with reason… but right now they are not great and that’s just how it is.

3.     Those who teach Jr. High are amazing saint like people who deserve our respect.

4.     Kindergarteners are adorable… and exhausting.

5.     Some little students find my name difficult to say, and older ones just like to play with my name leading them to call me numerous things including but not limited to: Ms. W, Ms. Land, Ms. Warlord, Ms. Watermelon (really?!) and my personal favorite Ms. Wonderland.

6.     Subbing for a HS advanced placement class, where you are administering a quiz is a plum job, enjoy it and bring a book!

7.     Sometimes eating alone in the classroom is preferable to the awkwardness of eating in the staff longue with all the regular teachers.

8.     Kids act ridiculous when the have a sub… it’s gonna happen, just know that going into it.

9.     Disorganized, sparse, or no lesson plans (yes that happened to me once) is a substitute teachers nightmare, and no we will not come back to your class.

10. Convoluted, intricate hard to follow lesson plans also suck, not as bad as disorganized ones, but they too make our lives hard. I will do my best to keep them on tract, but remember I am only stepping in for the day; I am not going to be able to do it exactly the way you do it.

11. Teachers who leave clear organized lesson plans AND who leave extra work if the kids get done are my most favorite people on the planet.

12. You can sometimes tell what kind of day your going to have by the condition of the classroom you step into in the morning.

13. Anytime a student starts a sentence “But our teacher lets us…” you know it’s probably gonna be bull crap.

14. It’s true, kids actually really do say the darndest things.

15. Nothing will make you appreciate the work that K-12 teachers do like substitute teaching.

An Update

So I figured I would give an update on my adventures in the cleanse thing that I have been doing. It was going to be just a two-week experiment, but it may be turning into a lifestyle change.

I’ve been feeling really good. Believe it or not, stopping the coffee thing was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be for me. I mean there where a couple days of caffeine headaches, but it passed and I have been feeling less anxious.

I also have a ton more energy, which has been great. I feel good, and that’s the most important thing to me.

I have been shrinking, which is fine, and I am enjoying fitting better in my clothes for sure, but I realize it is not the most important motivator for me. If I was doing something that was causing me to loose weight but made me feel like crap, it wouldn’t be worth it. And for the record I am not one of those people who believe that I have to be a certain size to be worthy of love or respect. That said I am feeling stronger, and working out more, which I am actually really enjoying. I’ve even started getting muscles in my arms (a very muscular athletic friend of mine called them little baby muscles) but they are muscles nonetheless and I am excited about that.

I am not totally strict either. I am strict about what I eat most the time, but after the first two weeks, I did have a few indulgences, but for the most part I have been staying the course. Practicing moderation… its almost like I am becoming a grown up person!

Bottom line, I am doing things that make me feel good, and I can totally get on board with that.

Break up, Spring, and My Factory Setting

So today is the first day of spring (at least according to the Calendar, I don’t know that our friends in the East coast will agree). But none-the-less it’s feeling spring like here, and I am feeling an interest in beginnings and growth and all that jazz. Especially since I feel like I have been in a bit of a personal winter.

So yeah in the spirit of spring, new chapters, onward and upward, and any other metaphor you can think of for that kind of thing, I have decided to do a couple week cleanse/detox. I will be significantly cutting out most dairy, I will be getting rid of sugar (save what occurs naturally in things like fruit and stuff) and getting rid of fake chemical no calorie sweeteners too. I will also be avoiding booze… even my beloved glass of evening wine.

All of that sounds pretty doable, the one thing I am extremely nervous about is that I will also be saying bye to coffee for a while. Coffee and I have a deep, loving connection, so I think this is going to feel more like a break up than a dietary choice. But the truth is I think this is something important I have to do for me. I think the coffee is making my already nervous disposition out of control, and I think it has been messing with how my body functions as a whole. so I have decided I love me more than I love coffee.

I am doing it because I want to try to get my body reset to its natural settings. We spend so much time fueling our bodies with chemicals and crap that I think we are making ourselves physically and emotionally ill. I think that my anxiety and depression is exacerbated by the stuff I consume. I am taking these steps in order to feel more whole.

 I am excited about this change

Course I may not be saying that as I am dealing with the first few days of the caffeine headaches, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Love The Drive

Ok so my struggle with driving has been no secret. I have made my journey with my driving phobia extremely transparent on this blog. And anyone who knows me knows first hand ( after all many of you have dragged my non driving butt around… I’m sorry and thank you) and believe me it’s still an ongoing battle. That said I have been driving around much more. Currently I am working as a substitute teacher for two school districts. Which means I am driving around to different schools all the time.  One of these districts has schools pretty far out, rural communities, so I find myself some mornings commuting 20 or 30 minutes out. I have been driving more because of this, and actually spending quite a bit of time on the freeways. Granted the freeways around here are nothing like they are in L.A. but considering there was a time when I wouldn’t get behind a wheel at all I count it as progress.

And since I have been driving more I’ve noticed there are actually things I do enjoy about driving myself around… gasp I know!  And I figured I would share them with you. Hopefully I will learn to love more things about driving as time goes by… but I have to start somewhere so here it goes…

First off, I like Emmerson Jean, my little car.  He is a good car who gets me around well. Yeah he is a bit dinged (yes I did do the dinging, but he is kind and has forgiven me)

I love playing my music, and singing at the top of my lungs. I think it might even be better than shower singing.

I like the freedom. Now that the phobia is starting to get less debilitating the ability to get up and go is starting to out weight the fear and that’s beautiful. I have even gotten on the freeway to drive to the next city over to visit a friend… there was a time when I would have missed opportunities because I was trapped by the fear and that is changing.

The drive home is awesome… well provided there are not too many Semi trucks on the road. After a day of being drained of my sanity and emotion by needy students, it is nice to get in my care and just listen to my thoughts (and my music). It’s in those moments I almost understand why people love to drive.

So yeah, I’m still working on it. And yes I still freak out when the traffic is heavy or when I am not sure exactly where I am going. But it is getting easier, and I am learning to enjoy the small victories.... so as far as I am concerned that’s movement in the right direction.

Love Thyself as Thy Neighbor Loves Thee

I am an extremely loved person. I have a network of people around me that support me and root for me, in ways that are difficult for me to fathom. The family and friends in my life rally around me with love that is so unconditional and without reservations that it makes my head spin.

Of course all this love doesn’t compensate for the fact that I am not getting love and support from the one person I really really need it.

Myself.

I have talked about it before on this blog that I struggle with loving myself, or even liking myself. It is not an intuitive thing for me. Sure I have moments where I start to grab a hold of an emotion that appears to be a positive self-attitude. And I am not nearly as hard on myself as I once was.

But the truth of the matter is that I still have a lot of work to do. I am discovering how deep this problem goes.  I am discovering that I rely on my various relationships to make up for the love I do not feel for myself. And it does work… for a while anyway. The trouble is that it’s not sustainable. You can’t rely on others to feel a deficit that is inside of you. It has often made me needy and difficult in my relationships.  Sometimes I make poor decisions based on this need to keep people around whether they are toxic or not. And of course this leads to me beating myself up (something that does come extremely intuitively to me) and in turns depends the deficit. It's hard on the good relationships in my life. I lean on people so much that it puts pressure on them. It all becomes so draining.   

I have also have begun to realize that every accomplishment I have achieved, every talent I have, I use as a way to get others approval. If people approve of me, then maybe I will learn to approve of myself.

But it’s never enough.  And I am tired. I am tired of jumping through hoops to seek others affirmation.  I am tired of beating myself up.

So I think the first step is forgiveness. I have to learn to forgive myself for my for all the things that I am ashamed of, the mistakes I have made both real or perceived. It’s hard to love someone that you are carrying resentment and anger towards. I also think that I need to really start thinking about what motivates my behavior. The decisions I make need to start coming from a place of self love and respect.  

So this might be the biggest transition I have ever made. It may be the hardest thing I have ever done, but if I can learn to love myself unconditionally and without reservation, could be the most worthwhile. 

Some Weather We're Having

I was having a conversation with my Uncle about the weather. It doesn’t seem like a topic that would reap profound revelations, but this time it did.

We where discussing the rain storm that California recently was hit with. I told him “I am not a big fan of the rain, but we need it badly so I’m grateful for it”

That got me thinking about my life right now. I think it is fair to say that the last few months have been a bit of storm.  I have been through a series of events that have lead back to square one. Living once again in my hometown, with my parents. Not exactly where I planned to be at this particular juncture of my life.

It has been a hard season. A “when it rains it pours” sort of season. But it was necessary. I needed it. I have learned so much in this storm and I am finally feeling like I am breaking out of a rut that I have been stuck in for the last year.

I have become more determined and focused on what it is that I want for my life. I know that I don’t want to be in this position again. And I know that the reason I am is because I have been too afraid to go after what I want. But that has changed. I am ready to move forward and if that means going after jobs that will lead me on grand adventures to places I have never been then so be it. And if it means taking not-so-awesome jobs for now that will help me to get to that place that I need to go than so be that too.

I have also come to realize that there is really very little room for self-doubt. I have to be brave and take care of myself, and trust that I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for.

That said, I have also been reminded once again that I have so many wonderful people in my life. I have had real moments of bitterness, depression, and selfishness during lately. I am not proud of this, but it’s true. I am so very grateful for those of who have reached out to me in my most unlovable moments.  I hope that I can be there for them someday the same way they have been for me.

It’s not exactly all sunshine yet, but the sky is clearing and the rain is slowing down.  I am hopeful for my future, and I am grateful for what this season continues to teach me.

  

2013 in a List

So it’s that time again! It’s 2014, and I thought I would do one of my “Life in a lists” lists, since that seems to becoming my tradition!

So here it is 2013, in no particular order and in all its good, bad, and ugly glory:

1. Saw my first Burlesque Show!

2. Taught ESL for the first time

3. Finished my first year teaching as an Adjunct professor.

4.  Went on many hikes.

5. Drank a glass of wine or two.

6. Lost my thesis weight.

7. Went to a Cake concert.

8. Got laid off.

9.  Kissed a few more frogs (yeah some are still good kissers)

10. Made some amazing new friends.

11. Went to my first Reggie festival.

12. Got my heart broken.

13. Did some babysitting

14. Reconnected with old friends.

15. Leaned hard on the people I love.

16. Wrote a few short stories.

17. Took more dance breaks than I can count