Rut

I have been in a rut. And nothing makes a mutable transit soul such as myself feel blue quite like ruts.

I think it all started with thesis that turned into graduation that turned into that nebulous new world of postgraduate life. I sort of just hit that preverbal wall that so many have talked about.

To compound that (or perhaps because of that) my health has not been that stellar the past few month I have faced allergies and infections that have lead me to just generally feel unwell.  Which of course leads to feeling emotionally unwell. To make matters worse my sleeping schedule is very unreliable. There have been times lately when I get no more then three or four hours of actual sleep. And all of this just piles up until you look around and realize that you are indeed in a place of creative and emotional stagnation.

It has all made me realize how important it is to take care of oneself, mind and body. I want to not just go through the motions of my life, which is what happens when you don’t feel strong and at your best.  I want to be a proactive participant in my life, and I know that to do that I have to really in earnest value my self and do whatever is in my power to help make this body and mind of mine work as efficiently as they can.

I can’t do it all at once, but I finally feel like I am moving forward again. I’m starting with small steps, but as I have learned so far on this road that I have traveled, small steps do begin to add up, and for that I am grateful.   

Teacher Person

A couple of days ago, I taught my first class as a legitimate part time, college professor person.

The thing is I have taught before, both as a sub for K-12 (yeah that was a special Job, let me tell you) and as a Graduate Teaching Associate (or graduate student teaching with training wheels) But this it the firs time I am a professional teaching and undergraduate class of my own.

Yes I am seriously green and have a lot to learn. Yes I tend to have little freak-outs before my lectures (and from what I hear, those don’t go away for a long time). But the truth of the matter is that I enjoy it. I like teaching at the college level, and I would like to do more of it in my life.

I enjoy when the students are engaged and I enjoy talking to them and answering their questions. I like that when I teach about writing, I become a better writer myself.

Now I know that with all things, there comes a time of burn out and tired. I understand that grading can be a pill (I have already done lots of it). I know that I am going to make mistakes (and hopefully learn from them) and that I will be thrown curve balls in this process that will make me loose my balance, that stuff happens.

But I figure I have two choices I can boggle myself down with the stress and misery of all the bad that could and very well might happen. Or I can enjoy the fact that I am enjoying in now, and deal with the crap when it gets here.

All I know is that I want to be the best teacher I can be. I want the students in this class to know more than when they came in. That would make me very happy.

Active Coaster

I really like roller coasters. I didn’t always, when I was really young I found them terrifying, but as I got older I learned to enjoy the thrill of them. I love the rush of speeding down from great heights, or being turned upside-down in one of those crazy loops. Of course there is one part of the roller coaster that I hate. It’s that slow ride up before it drops you. The anxiety and anticipation is dreadful, it’s the scariest part of the whole experience. And to be honest I am still a fraidy cat, it takes some doing to get talked onto a new roller coaster (fear of the unknown) but once I get there I am glad I took the ride

Am now recognizing that I approach a lot of aspects of my life the way I do roller coasters. When confronted with new situation I find myself feeling much like I do when I am climbing that first hill of a roller coaster. The only difference is that in life I am typically not strapped in, making it easy to bolt. The trait of fight or flight is rather strong in me. And more often than not flight is my go to move (though I got some fight in me too, just ask my sister… on second thought don’t).

But the thing is, if we always run away we never give ourselves the chance to enjoy the moment. Look I understand that the next roller coaster I get on could be the worst experience of my life. It may make me so sick that I loose my lunch, or it scare me so bad that I never want to get on another ride again. These are very real possibilities. But it could also be the greatest ride of my life, and I’ll never know unless I hold on and take the chance.