This seems to be the place I go to make my self completely transparent. I offer myself up to anyone who wants to read, as a way to work through my emotions. It’s a strange practice but one that I don’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. So in the spirit of being an emotional exhibitionist, here comes another such entry.
When I was fresh out of high school I moved from my home state to live with strangers and work as a nanny. I had never been away from my grandparents and my parents, and I was terrified. I also knew that I needed to change my life. My friends had all left for college, my sister had moved to another city so that she could work at the happiest place on earth, and I was left to half heartedly take classes at the local community college. I was extremely depressed in that chapter of my life, and I had become stuck. I knew I was stuck, and I knew that I had to do something extreme to shake myself free. When the opportunity arose to take the job I knew I had to do it. I did not WANT to, but I HAD to. In retrospect I can see that some of the greatest growth of my life occurred during that time. I also know It was one of the times that I felt the most unsure and frightened. But I took a chance on myself and it was so wonderful that I did.
And now it seems that history is repeating itself. I once again find myself stuck. I have lived on campus for the past couple of years (yes, at my age, yes in graduate school), which would be fine, except I am becoming stagnant. And as the theme of this blog suggests, I believe that being in transit is far healthier than being stagnant. When I am living on campus it becomes very easy for me to not confront my fear of mass transit. I always say that I will, but I never do. So I have decided that next year I am going to live off campus. This serves another purpose too, I am (if all goes well) going to be graduating in the spring. And I want to feel like I am there, ready to get a job, and ready to make a life down in the city. If I am on campus it feels very temporary, like I at any given moment I will have to return to my small hometown.
The flip side to this decision is I am terrified. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone. There are all these unknown variables that are keeping me up at night. I find myself feeling much the way I did before I moved after high school. I believe that I need to make this step, but I also see the potential for failure, and that can be extremely anxiety provoking.
On a more positive note, I know that who I was then and who I am now are indeed different. Backs then the fear of the unknown use to cause me brutal panic attacks. Now when they come on (because they still do) I am able to recognize them and breathe myself down, before they become out of control. Hurray for progress!
I just hope this next gamble on myself will be as positive for my life and growth as the one from my past that it’s mirroring.
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