The Tooth of the Matter

There is a volcano in my mouth, well two actually.  They have been dormant for many years, and now they have decided to erupt.

Okay they are not volcanoes; they are my impacted wisdom teeth. The two bottom ones to be exact (I had the top natural disasters extracted years ago) But the bottom two where laying quietly in wait, and because they were not doing anything, my dentist advised a few years back, that I just let them be because there was a chance that they would never come in at all.

But here they come with a vengeance, and there is no room for them. When I was a teenager I had lots of expensive (well expensive for my parents) orthodontic work. Because of this I have a nice straight smile, also because of this there is absolutely nowhere for my wisdom teeth to go.

I have been feeling some pressure in my jaw and gums for a while now (like about a year sort of while, so it shows how bad I am about getting this stuff dealt with), but it is only recently that I have noticed sharp bits of teeth pocking through.

I need to deal with it. It hurts and it can actually eventually ruin that pretty orthodontic work that my parents so generously paid for. But I’m scared, I am scared that a regular dentist wont be able to deal with it, and that I will have to go to an oral surgeon. This is particularly frightening because I am pretty phobic of doctors, and I have never been put under. I am also super scared about the price (like I wrote in a previous entry, I am trying to save enough to be in an off campus apartment)

But honestly the longer I put it off, the worse it will get, and the more pain I will suffer from it.

I guess nothing makes me feel like a big baby as cutting teeth.

Thus far...

At the beginning of the summer I had some very lofty goals. And now as I am in the thick of it, I think it’s a good time to take a little inventory to see how I am doing. 

First of I have been working on my health. Been exercising daily (I even do laps around my parents house and I am pretty sure the neighbors think I’m crazy, but my family has lived on this land for generations, if people don’t know we are odd by now they are never going to figure it out!) I have also been eating healthy, and I have even been taking my vitamins!  Most importantly I have not touched a french fry! And you know what I feel pretty good. Now, I know when the stress of the school year begins It will be harder to stay on track, but hopefully this little detox I am doing will carry over at least a little bit.

As for the writing, well, I’m working on it, but not nearly with the fervor that I originally had hoped for.  I have been doing pretty well on keeping up with this blog (and I have reached over 1,000’s views, thank you all for reading!!!!!) I have also worked on some scripts and I have an essay for a contest done (or well a first draft). I have even done some prep work on my thesis.  As for the screenplay I’m working on… well sometimes things scare me and I avoid them.

I also wanted to purge some of my earthly belongings to de-clutter my life… ya that hasn’t happened as of yet, but I will keep you posted.

I have been reconnecting with some old friends, it was not on the list but it should have been. This includes meeting one of my friends new baby daughter (oh my gosh she is so precious) And having a long chat with another inspiring friend who bravely went to an event that she knew an ex would be at (Xena has nothing on this warrior woman!)

So there you have it, my summer thus far. I still have a lot to do, but I am chipping away at it, so at least there is that.

Roll With It!

I’ve been recently contemplating the phrase “roll with the punches”. I have always liked the phrase, but lately I have been analyzing it more in debt.  Perhaps because I am at a point in my life where I feel a bit more vulnerable to the blows that life usually deals. 

I’ve been recently contemplating the power in the ability to roll with the punches.  It is more active way of dealing with things then, for example, “going with the flow” (not that I don’t like that image too, like a little stream flowing over rocks, it’s just that it is a more passive concept to me). Rolling with the punches comes from the boxing world, it is a way of rolling with the punch so that you minimize the impact the blow has to your body, enabling you to ready yourself to throw a punch yourself.

And that’s the thing isn’t it. Life has a tendency to come at us throwing some mean blows. We can’t change that, but we can learn ways to minimize the impact. Of course I’m still learning how to do this. But I think I am getting better at it.

More Thoughts on Happy

As I have stated before, happiness , is something I find at times allusive. It’s not that I want to be a negative person; It is just that tapping into my inner sunshine has never been super easy. And when I am going through some changes or stress it becomes even more difficult to be cheery.

Yet I had a bit of an epiphany the other day. It was on a day that I felt particularly calm and content. It was nice, and I accepted it (Something new for me, in the past when I had these good days I would not trust it, and reject it as a inevitably fleeting occurrence). But on this day I accepted it, knowing full well that it could be temporary state.  And that’s when it hit me. Perhaps true happiness is the awareness that though life has stressful and painful chapters it also can be happy and peaceful ones too. And maybe by holding onto that knowledge, will make those darker times just a little bit easier.  

A Day of Disconnect

Last fall I wrote a short play that dealt with our over use of technology. In fact I would dare to say that often we are so connected to each other, via the cyber world, that we don’t actually connect really with each other.

Today this concept was particularly driven home when I forgot my phone. I went boating with my parents today and as we were driving up the mountain for a day of fun in the sun, I realized that I was phoneless. I was instantly annoyed and anxious. But was it really necessary that I have my phone? I was not expecting any important messages from anyone, nor am I a doctor on call who needs to drop everything to save some poor sick persons life.  There was no real reason that I needed to have my cell on a day trip to the lake.

The great thing is, that after a while the anxiety faded, and I was happy to not have it. I enjoyed being on the lake with my family, a relaxing day without any interruptions. It was really quite liberating.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love being able to get on the net, and I am happy that I have my phone. I don’t plan on giving those things up anytime soon. But I do think occasionally it’s nice to disconnect in order to reconnect. 

Another Gamble

This seems to be the place I go to make my self completely transparent.  I offer myself up to anyone who wants to read, as a way to work through my emotions. It’s a strange practice but one that I don’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. So in the spirit of being an emotional exhibitionist, here comes another such entry.

When I was fresh out of high school I moved from my home state to live with strangers and work as a nanny. I had never been away from my grandparents and my parents, and I was terrified.  I also knew that I needed to change my life. My friends had all left for college, my sister had moved to another city so that she could work at the happiest place on earth, and I was left to half heartedly take classes at the local community college. I was extremely depressed in that chapter of my life, and I had become stuck. I knew I was stuck, and I knew that I had to do something extreme to shake myself free. When the opportunity arose to take the job I knew I had to do it. I did not WANT to, but I HAD to. In retrospect I can see that some of the greatest growth of my life occurred during that time. I also know It was one of the times that I felt the most unsure and frightened. But I took a chance on myself and it was so wonderful that I did.

And now it seems that history is repeating itself. I once again find myself stuck. I have lived on campus for the past couple of years (yes, at my age, yes in graduate school), which would be fine, except I am becoming stagnant. And as the theme of this blog suggests, I believe that being in transit is far healthier than being stagnant. When I am living on campus it becomes very easy for me to not confront my fear of mass transit. I always say that I will, but I never do.  So I have decided that next year I am going to live off campus. This serves another purpose too, I am (if all goes well) going to be graduating in the spring. And I want to feel like I am there, ready to get a job, and ready to make a life down in the city. If I am on campus it feels very temporary, like I at any given moment I will have to return to my small hometown.

The flip side to this decision is I am terrified. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone. There are all these unknown variables that are keeping me up at night. I find myself feeling much the way I did before I moved after high school. I believe that I need to make this step, but I also see the potential for failure, and that can be extremely anxiety provoking.

On a more positive note, I know that who I was then and who I am now are indeed different. Backs then the fear of the unknown use to cause me brutal panic attacks. Now when they come on (because they still do) I am able to recognize them and breathe myself down, before they become out of control. Hurray for progress!

I just hope this next gamble on myself will be as positive for my life and growth as the one from my past that it’s mirroring.     

So... What Do I Think of Me?

Worrying about what others think of you will drive you batty! I should know, I am often way to concerned about what others think about me. Or even worse concerned about what I THINK others are thinking about me. This is particularly problematic because it’s so easy to project our own negative self-crap onto others. I mean there is too often that I feel socially awkward and pathetic, and I know that in those times I believe others see me that way too.

But here is the thing, it's exhausting caring so much about what others think. Especially since we can never really know for sure what is going on in another person’s head.  I mean I guess I could go around asking everyone “so what do you think about me?” but I doubt that would win me any friends.  

I suppose I need to just worry about what I think of me … and work on making it as positive a self image as I can.

No Mas Papa II

All right, so I’m going off the spud again! For those of you who follow, you will remember a while back I went cold turkey on french fries. They are my nutritional leviathans, and they have very little dietary value.

Not only am I going off the potatoes, I am putting a stop to all deep fried things in general (I had some vegetable tempura tonight, and though it was delicious, it has left me feeling less than stellar)

I’m giving up the fried stuff until my birthday in September. Why my birthday you ask? No, I don’t plan on going on a birthday binge! It’s just I’ve decided that I want to do a detox of sorts these next couple months so that I can start out a new age on the right foot.

I want to give myself a birthday gift, and I can’t think of a better present than a healthier me! 

Half Way There

Happy half-year everyone!!!!!!

Okay, so I’m not big of resolutions, new years, half-years, or otherwise.  But I figure the halfway point is as good a time as any to take an inventory of my life, and to take a moment to reflect on what my life has been of late and where it may be heading. I know, heavy stuff.

But I am approaching a birthday that is supposedly one of those big deal ones. I am starting the journey of my thesis (thought technically the thesis thing is culminating next year not this one). And on a sadder note, today marks seven months since a very dear friend of mind was in a fatal car accident. When you lose someone like that it’s hard not to change your perspective on life. It makes me want to live with fullness and purpose because life can be so fleeting. It also makes me want to appreciate the little things, cause your world can change in an instant.

So this is me, on my half year, reflecting a bit on the six months that I have just lived, and taking a moment to think about what I want the next six months will look like.

I wish you all a good and reflective half-year. Let’s do our best to make the most of our next six months.