Another Year another List

So despite all the end of the world talk, it looks as though we are going to make it to 2013.

So as the year comes to a close I decided to do another year in a list… I believe this is my third year in a list, but I would have to go back and check the blog archives to be sure, and quite frankly I’m not going to do that.

So here is my 2012 in a list:

I received my MFA!

I taught my first class as a legitimate adjunct professor.

I started saving up for a car (still trying to save)

Wrote a play that I’m pretty proud of.

Did some acting.

Realized I am worse at playing pool than I am at bowling (and I am really really bad at bowling)

Had some terrible job interviews.

Had some great job interviews.

Cuddled some baby dragons.

Rekindled some old friendships.

Made some new friendships that I hope to keep in the years to come.

Got stupid sick and realized that sometimes one actually HAS to seek out medical help.

Went on some awful dates.

Danced when I had the chance to.

Made some mistakes.

Wrote some bad poetry (yeah I know this always makes the list)

Received numerous pep talks.

Gave some pep talks.

Tried to burn fewer bridges

Sent many stupid and random texts.

Was reminded that many times that my friends have a huge capacity for grace and love.

Had many deep conversations over cheap read wine.

Lost a cell phone.

Cried a few times.

Laughed a lot.

Learned to be less critical and more patient of myself.

So there you have it, my 2012. I don’t know what next year will bring, but I am cautiously hopeful. My uncle shared a saying with me recently “ the days are long, but the years are short”. This is starting to feel more and more true the older I get.  

Anyways I hope everyone had a good year and I wish you all a great 2013.

A Genius Post

gen·ius  (jnys)

n. pl. gen·ius·es

1.

a. Extraordinary intellectual and creative power.

b. A person of extraordinary intellect and talent: "One is not born a genius, one becomes a genius" (Simone de Beauvoir).

c. A person who has an exceptionally high intelligence quotient, typically above 140.

2.

a. A strong natural talent, aptitude, or inclination: has a genius for choosing the right words.

b. One who has such a talent or inclination: a genius at diplomacy.

3. The prevailing spirit or distinctive character, as of a place, a person, or an era: the genius of Elizabethan England.

4. pl. ge·ni·i (jn-) Roman Mythology A tutelary deity or guardian spirit of a person or place.

5. A person who has great influence over another.

6. A jinni in Muslim mythology.

That’s how http://www.thefreedictionary.com/genius defines genius. It’s an interesting word. It’s also a word that I have been that I have been hearing a lot lately.  Even so much as a few people have referred to me as one. My initial instinct when someone throws this word at me is to laugh it off, or deny it vehemently as absurd.  Perhaps it’s the deeply engrained catholic supplicant roots that make me so averse to receiving compliments (but that’s a whole nother ball of wax).

What I really want to talk about is the word genius because I have been hearing it so much lately. I guess when I hear it Einstein comes to mind, or other hyper intelligent women and men who seem like untouchable figures in the history books.

But looking at the nuts and bolts of this definition, it occurs to me that genius can come in all shapes and sizes.  There is a possibility that I could be considered a genius in the right light.  In fact everybody has talents of some sort, so really we all have the capacity to be a genius in one way or another, and that I find very cool.

Off The Cell Grid

Anyone who knows me knows that my ability with technology is limited at best. Of course I can manage the basics like any of my fellow gen Y-ers who have been raised in this MTV and personal computer era. And having a bit of the social anxiety, I had an added interest to become versed in anything that allowed me to interact with people without REALLY interacting with them.

But as a whole I’m not very good with technology, I don’t even know how to do a power point presentation (shameful I know). But it has occurred to me lately that for something I am not terribly good with, I am painfully dependent on it.

Nothing drove this home more then my phone going kaput on me.  I went to text someone yesterday and the phone shut off by itself. I of course went into a kind of panic. After trying all sorts of things to get it going I ordered a replacement battery (fingers crossed that it will fixed the problem). 

So here I am cell phone-less while I wait for the replacement battery to come, and that has really proved to me how completely reliant I am on the thing. Not only do I use it to keep in contact with people, or to text when I am bored, but I realized now that I don’t even own a watch at this point! I had a meeting today, and I realized how desperately I wanted to know the time during it… I did not NEED to know it, mind you, just really really wanted to.

So perhaps this 48-hour span of being phone-less is a good thing. Maybe it will be some sort of enlightening experience that will teach me something deep about myself.

But if I am really honest with myself I know just hope that the new battery will fix the bloody thing.  

Asleep At the Wheel

There are these phases in my life where it’s as if I am going through the motions of my day-to-day existence, and yet I don’t actually feel present. I find myself doing just the bare minimum to get me through.  It’s like being on autopilot in my own life. I am currently in one of those chapters.   

In these chapters that I am living a half capacity life it’s very hard not to let my old bad default behavior run the joint.  There was a time when I pretty much ran on anxiety and self -loathing. And if I am not fully present and focused I can resort back to that, it’s sort of like a really cruddy default.

The thing is you can’t live life like you are asleep at the wheel for long before something has to give.  I have, in the past, become reckless in an effort to shake myself awake. I have had mini (and not so mini) emotional breakdowns, and burned more bridges than I care to recount. It usually is a painful and exhausting experience. These things are all done as a way of jarring myself into the world of the living. 

But now I can’t help but wonder if there is a way to ease yourself back into being present in your life. I mean do I really have to shock my system to break loose of this hamster wheel that I am treading on?

I guess what I am hoping is that maybe, just maybe sometimes we can get the benefits of growing with out the pains. I know I am on the cusp of some change.  I am just hoping that I am in a cocoon right now, getting ready to spread my butterfly wings instead of a phoenix ready to combust.

To Feel or Not to Feel

It’s a funny thing, how we learn to adapt and deal with the world around us. It’s true that this is an importation skill of survival and can often serve us well. But sometimes the ways we learn to cope are as unhealthy as the thing we are trying to protect ourselves from.

At least that has been a discovery I made about myself recently. Last week I had an interview for a job (I did not get it, but that is another blog post for another day). It was an event leading up to the interview that made me take a hard look at how I have been dealing with my life right now, and quite frankly it rattled me.

I was having dinner with my uncle the night before I was scheduled to go try to sell myself in that awkward way we do to get a piece of that economic pie. It was dinner during this the calm and pleasant dinner conversation that I just broke down. I cried in the middle of a restaurant in West Hollywood. I was mortified.

The thing is I couldn’t really pin point exactly what the catalyst was. It was like a damn had broke and this flood of emotion just came over me and there was no way to stop it.

I realized that it was not just nerves about the impending interview (although that definitely was a part of it) but actually it was a cocktail of emotions I have been suppressing for months. Between stressing about my post graduate life, and a significant chapter of poor health I had dealt with it was overwhelming on-slot of crud. But instead of dealing with it as it came I swallowed it down.

So why did I do this? Well I think it is because I have spent so much of my life in heightened states of stress and anxiety. And I have done lots of work to not let those intense destructive emotions overwhelm my life. But I think somewhere along the way I overcorrected. I have got to a place in my life were I just try not to feel at all. I think subconsciously I have convinced myself that if I feel any sort of negative or uncomfortable emotion than I am backsliding.

The thing is though, that I am going through a stressful transition in my life. And it is ok to honor those emotions that I will inevitably feel in this chapter. As my uncle so wisely put it “how quaint you’re being human”. I could not help but laugh the truth is it is okay to feel, it is human and as long as it does not stop my forward motion then it is a vital reminder of existence.

Weekend

It was one of those weekends. It was one of those reaffirming powerful kind of weekends that are filled with lots of family and friends.

It's so easy get caught up in the stress of every day life. I for one spend so much time going through the motions of my day-to-day existence that I often forget about the love and support that is the foundation of who I am.

But this weekend I got to spend some quality time with some of the people who matter most to me. 

We gathered together to celebrate the birthday of my sister and one of our dear uncles. So many family members came, and friends who are so close the might as well be family.

We don’t always get to spend time together, but there is something really beautiful about the moments that we take time out of our often-separate solitary lives to acknowledge our connection. I find these times encouraging and they give me the strength to go back into the life I am trying to create for myself. 

Sister Friend

I don’t remember a life without her.  I was only thirteen months and two days old when they brought my baby sister home. They say that the first few months of her life I tried to sit on her head, perhaps I was trying to get rid of this little creature that was taking away my privilege of being the one and only baby of the house.

But I don’t really remember my days as an only child. My earliest memories involve my sister, of being part of a pair. When we were little girls’ people would sometimes confuse us for twins (though we didn’t look alike, but our mother did dress us in matching clothes… so I’m sure that had something to do with it), Intensifying this pair-ness I was held back and did my first grade year twice. So from my second year of first grade made it so that my kid sister and I were in the same grade… we graduated high school together. 

Our journey was a very shared one, and continues to be so. There were many times growing up that we had issues with fighting and sibling rivalry. Being in the same grade, sharing friends, and being completely different personality types, head butting was to be expected.

But as I have gotten older, I am continuously amazed at how lucky I am to be apart of this pair. I know without a shadow of a doubt that my sister has my back, and I have hers.  She is there to give me a pep talk in my dark hours, and a swift kick in the pants when I don’t want it (but I do need it).

I know that not everyone has this close kind of relationship with their siblings, but I do and for that I am more grateful then just the mussing on this silly blog of mine can express.

We don’t always see the world the same way, but that’s okay, we give each other often a much-needed different perspective. 

At the end of the day my sister and I are a team, and we are friends and really what more could I ask for?