There is No Place Like Home

I have spent the last decade or so feeling like a nomad. This is quite a contrast to the first 19 years of my life where I was born and raised in a small town, in a house that was built by my great grandfather. So this chapter of my life where I have never been anywhere much longer than 2 years has been particularly challenging.

 But it started me thinking about the lack of constancy in my life.  Though my parents in with a generous spirit have from time to time allowed me to come home when I am in between life adventures, but that said every place I have been in my young adult life has always been extremely temporary. Mine is, in fact, a life in transition, when it comes to the places I hang my hat. 

However there has been some stability in my life. It has come in the form of the connections to people in life. I recently had lunch with a friend from my undergrad days, and I could not help but notice how at peace I was hanging out with him. How nice it is to know someone who gets me, and knows the progress that I have made in the past years. Who loves me flaws and all, so much so that I can be completely transparent in their company without fear of rejection.

It made me realize I have lots of friends and family who make me feel that way. I came to the conclusion that sometimes the feeling of home is not confined to four walls, but often it comes in the form of the networks that we belong to. And that was really comforting for a girl in transit like myself.

Some Like it Hot

I am in the middle of a hot and consuming love affair. It is my secret shame, but perhaps making it public will help me to move forward.

That’s right, I am in love with the heater in our apartment.  The affair began during a cold and rainy day, and has not stopped. But here is the sick part… I live in LA (or a city sort of close). Yes, it is warm here, year round, and our cold days are embarrassingly pathetic when put up against real cold days in real cold places.

But I can’t get enough of standing next to the blazing wall heater as it all but scorches my skin. Of course this really annoys my roommates who am sure I have convinced that I am indeed part reptile. 

This is how I really know that I have a problem. There are times when the bloody thing is not even on, and yet I find myself standing near it. I just want to be close to it all times.

Perhaps it’s love, perhaps it’s obsession… whatever it is, it's clearly unhealthy.

With Love

There is an ebb and flow to life, a back and forth of the bad and good. And when the bad comes at us, which it inevitably will, it is so difficult not to get mired down in the pain of it. 

My family has been touched with some tragidys recently. And the truth of the matter is, when these things happen it can be spirit crushing. You seek out explanations, but more often than not, there are none. And so we turn to whatever we can that brings us comfort, and hopefully it’s not a destructive distraction, but something healthy and good that we can lean on.

It’s in times like these that we have to try to remember that it will get better. Now I am aware that some wounds leave deep scars that never go away, but they do heal. That’s the beautiful thing about life, and about human nature, it’s both incredibly fragile, and terribly resilient.

And we are rarely alone. We humans have this wonderful ability to build circles of loved ones who fill us with the courage to get through things, when we don’t have the ability to generate that courage ourselves.  They cry with us, laugh with us, and pray with until we gain the strength to go forward. We eventually pick ourselves up and move back into the world battle scars and all.

And to those kin of mine that are so close to the tragedies, all I can say is I am, and many others, are sending all the love we possibly have in us so that you can have the strength to get to the healing point.

The Social Network

I tend to be hard on myself.  This is something that should not come as a shock to anyone who knows me, or who reads this blog.

But there is one thing I do really well. And that thing is making friends.  I have the knack of filling my life with exceptional people. This of course excludes the men I am attracted to who, by in large, are complete crap. But that’s another blog entry… or therapy session.

But aside from a few bad seeds here and there, the friends who have come into my life are typically amazing. I tend to find the most loyal and interesting types you can find.

The thing is I do get hard on myself. I feel lonely, and sometimes I even am really tempted into dwelling in my own falsely perceived misery.  But then I look around and I realize that I am not alone. I have a beautiful network of people who choose to have me in their life.

And the sad truth is that life is often ugly and painful, but having a good support group surrounding you helps soften the blows that this world puts us threw. 

Musing on Mistakes

I am stronger than the mistakes I make.

This is proven to me time and time again.

I do a lot of foolish things. A lot. Sometimes I do so many foolish things that I begin to feel like I am the most flawed person on the planet. But I am stronger than these things I do. I know it.

The truth is everyone makes mistakes. Some of these mistakes are monumental, painful or just flat out stupid.  But we keep pushing on; we pick ourselves up and head forth into our next adventure. The hope being that we are all the wiser for it, that we have learned from the errors that we made, and we have become better humans.

So that is what I am doing. I am learning to be stronger than the really stupid things I have done, and using them to my advantage.

After all, even though I make mistakes, I also step into some good decisions too from time to time.  And for now I’m holding on to that.

Distraction and Dessert

As we grow older we become more self-aware (or at least that is the hope). This awareness is supposed to make us more fully realized human beings.

What no one ever tells you is that this awareness can also suck. That’s right, looking at oneself in the metaphorical mirror can really be brutal at times. Now I get it, we have to see our problems in order to change them. But dang it, sometimes it is really hard to look at those flaws. I don’t know about you but there are things about myself that I really don’t want to know.

For instance, I have been grappling with the fact that I don’t always deal with frustration or disappointment in my life directly. This has proved problematic over and over again. There is something very healthy about taking things head on, facing them and working through them. I don’t do this. My tactic avoids them as long as possible until I act out in often-destructive ways in different aspects of my life.

For instance, say you really wanted a fudge Sundae, but you cannot have a fudge Sundae, so instead of dealing with the fact that it is not available to you, you eat all the deserts that you didn’t really want. These desserts taste bad, and are completely sub-standard, but they are there and they are available. They serve as a distraction, until you have a tummy ache and are still have the longing for the thing you originally wanted.  This principle is how I operate in my life. It gets pretty ugly.

But I guess knowing these things about oneself is the first step to change, and change I must. I refuse to settle for a stale cookie, when I deserve a Sundae.

I also made another discovery… writing a blog when one is hungry is not the best idea.

The Social Recluse

When I was a little girl there were few things I dreaded more than the party invite. The idea of being trapped at a friend’s birthday celebration was enough to cause my child’s heart to sink. And if it was a slumber party forget about it. The result of these invites would lead me inevitably into a fight with my mother, she could not understand why her daughter was so reluctant to go and have fun.

The thing was, it was not fun for me. It was an exercise in social torture. I would get so anxious being around all the other kids that I would inevitably say or do something stupid (or at least thought I did). I often left these parties feeling as though I had embarrassed myself in some unredeemable fashion. Sure there were moments were I really did have a good time, but typically I had worked myself up so much prior that my adrenaline (and even more dire my bowels) would keep me from really enjoying myself.

So I found that reading alone in my room was a far more desirable use of my time.  This past time kept me safe from making a fool of myself, though it did have the side effect of loneliness. This was a very hard thing to reconcile as a child; in fact it is a very hard thing to reconcile as an adult.

I have become far better in social situations as a grown up type person, but the socially anxious side of me lives on, despite some of my best efforts to eradicate it. And I feel like this is a season where my deep down hermit is reemerging with a vengeance.

Believe me when I say that I truly do enjoy the company of family and friends. I like spending time with people that I care about. But I have found that events with lots of people, even those that I love, tend to be extremely draining for me. And if there is an event with a lot of people I don’t know then I become so over stimulated and worked up, that all I can think about is how to get out of the situation as soon as possible.

I know that being an anti-social recluse is not an option. And to be honest too much time in my own company would probably make me certifiable.

But I know there has to be a balance (one I have not found yet). I mean, it’s got to be ok to be a bit of a homebody right, to like to be alone from time to time?

Of course the flip side is, if it’s fear that is driving my anti-social behavior than that’s something to be examined. I have spent too many years allowing fear to dictate my actions. When one does that it severely impairs their quality of life. I know this from first had experience.

I don’t know, I guess I am just looking for the happy medium. A point were I find the right balance between my social side, and my hermit side. If and when I find it, you will be the first to know dear readers.