I'm a Sour Candy

Recently a friend of mine expressed to me that he thought it was interesting how I was in many ways I was (to paraphrase) very aware but in other ways “still learning”. I made a joke about my arrested development issues, which yes there are a few.

I have always been drawn to dichotomies. I like things that don’t seem to make sense but still somehow seem to coexist, comfortably, or not so comfortably. Maybe I am drawn to this because I feel like that is what I am like inside. I’m a pendulum always swinging between extremes, or maybe I’m always just both.

When I was a kid they tested me because I was struggling in school. They believed that I had a processing disorder (which I did). The test results however proved a bit challenging for them. When I was in sixth grade my math was at a third grade level, my spelling was not much higher, but my reading comprehension was that of a college freshman. It was very hard to place me, and I am grateful that I did have lots of helpful teachers who supported me, and a mom who was in my corner to tailor an education that would suit my dichotomous needs.

It's weird because I still feel like I straddle different worlds. I can be outgoing at times, and painfully insecure at others (or sometimes both and the same time). I can be terribly sweet and sunshiny, but not without a love of sarcasm and a tinge of irreverence.

I often find that the people I gravitate to are like me in that sense. They are anarchist soccer moms and ice princess with a hearts of gold. They are jerks with a sensitive streak, or philosophical macho men.

Honestly we all straddle different worlds, and different personality traits. I don’t think many of us live in black and white world; most of us reside in gray town.  And I am glad it’s that way. 

I think that what makes sour candy so great is after you get that punch that first punch that makes you pucker, you have a greater appreciation for when it fades to sweet. 

Sour candy and life are just more interesting that way.  

Confession of a Control Freak

I am going to make a confession. I have come to terms with a part of myself that I always knew on some level existed, but never really wanted to admit too.

So here it goes…I am a control freak.

I know, this may come as a shock to some of you “but Jenn, you never volunteer to lead things.  You are not a type A personality.”

All these things are true. I am not a Type A, a perfectionist, or a born leader.

I don’t want to control others per se, but I do want to control the details of my life in ways that border on neurosis. And if anything or anyone threatens that I am not a happy camper. I will fight it, typically in my passive aggressive Virgo way (although when I was younger I did have a tendency to be a bit more aggressive aggressive, but that is an entirely different entry) I like my schedule, I like my routines. And if I get something in my head then it damn well better go that way. Now I do have the ability to do adapt and shift gears… but not after I have a little many melt down and mourning over the loss of my tightly made schedule.

What’s odd is I don’t do it with my big life plans.  I don’t plan were I will be in five years. I don’t know were I will be living or what I will be doing. I don’t feel like there are certain life milestones that one must hit by hit at specific times to be considered a successful and well rounded human. 

But my day-to-day life, now that’s a different story. I will micro manage the crap out of that.  And you know what, doing that will make you crazy. It is exhausting and anxiety provoking trying to control every little thing in your life. Mostly because it just can’t be done. There are too many unforeseen variables, too many called games on account of rain.  

So I need to change, because I am tired. I am tired of hanging on to every little detail of my life with white knuckles.

And so I’m letting go, and letting myself flow with the current.

 Or at least I’m going to try :) 

The Last Leviathan

“You know that if you get a care you have to drive it right?”

“ There will be other cars on the road to you do realize that?”

“You are aware that people in LA drive crazy aren’t you?”

This is just a sampling of the barrage of questions I have been slung at me since I have decided to let people in my life know that I am indeed looking for a car.

Yes it is that time.  I have postponed it for long enough. It is time for me to face my fear of driving in the big city.

And before you add to the onslaught of questions, let me assure you I have been chewing on the same questions in my brain for longer than you can imagine.  And for those of you who have asked these questions and were on the receiving end of my snapping turtle-ness I do apologize. It was my own anxiety and insecurity calling the shots, I’m not proud of it, but I’ve been living in this skin long enough to know that it happens.

But it is time.  Anyone who knows me (or is familiar with this blog) knows that driving is my biggest leviathan, my last great dragon. So this is big at least in my little narcissistic world.

The thing is I am a firm believer in change, even when it is painful or scary. Some of the most powerful life changing decisions I have made in my life has been the painful scary ones. And the truth is I may decide that I want to live in a city were mass transit is awesome and I never ever have to drive a car. But It will be my choice not something I am forced into because of fear. Too many of my choices of my decisions have been dictated by fear, and quite frankly I am done.

Positive is what Positive Does

I have for many years been a cynic.

This may come as a surprise to many casual acquaintances. I tend to operate in the my daily life with what appears to be a generally sunny disposition (It's not a complete act, but its not the whole truth either). But for those who know me really well (or those who have read my blog) you know that I struggle with feelings of personal inadequacy and distrust of the world around me.

However I am ever in transit, and I am constantly trying to evolve beyond my deficiencies, be they real or perceived. I am trying to see the best in others, rather than the Big Bad Wolf in everyone I meet.

I want to be open to the positive people and experiences that the universe has to offer me, and I feel like in order to do that I have to put out positivity into the world. It’s all very Law of Attraction (and believe me I have made fun of the Law of Attraction more times than I can count) but really what’s the harm in thinking good thoughts.

The way I see it is this, if I have a positive attitude and believe that positive things will happen to me then it will be double awesome when they do.  And if things don’t work out well, I figure the positive attitude will help me deal with the blow with less anxiety and stress then if I had a bad attitude. I win both ways.

So this is my experiment, I am going to try to put nothing but good vibes out into the world with the hope that the universe will answer back favorably.

Wish me luck!

Clogged Pipes

Writers block is an annoying thing. It’s feeling that you want to say something but have absolutely nothing to say. The blank paper stares at you, taunting you, judging you.

Of course right now I don’t feel blocked, or it least not in the traditional sense that we usually think of when we think of writers block. On the contrary I feel like I have too much to say. I have so many projects that I feel like the have clogged the pipes.  I don’t know were to start. I don’t know which project deserves the first stab at my attention.  I’ve always had trouble organizing my thoughts.

Oh well… a long time coming blog entry is a place to start I suppose. 

Life is a Puzzle

For the first time in my life, I completed a jigsaw puzzle all by myself. I remember doing puzzles with my mother as a teenager. Looking back on it I realize it was usually during times of stress and change in my life. I think it was something we could do together that was slow, focused and meditative. My motor skills have also always been a bit wonky do to some misprocessing stuff in my brain. I think in her infinite mommy wisdom she knew this would be good for me.

So as a quarter closed, I was dealing and as I was facing a job interview (I got the job, more on that later blog entries) I almost instinctively felt a strong desire to do a puzzle.

I started just the way momma taught me, painstakingly sorting through the pieces so that I could separate the edges from the non-edges.

For a week I worked on the puzzle bit by bit. Each day more of the picture came together. It was a slow process.  Sometimes it felt like I was not getting very far at all. I started taking photos of it, to gage my process.  When I compared the photos it became clear that I was indeed moving forward, things were happening. I was making strides to get to were I wanted to be.

The reason I write this entry is not to confess what a nerd I am (although I am, and I own it) but to explain how doing this puzzle was a micro example of life in general.  Sometimes we don’t realize how much progress we are making to create the big picture. We forget where we are going, and get stuck in the trial and error, the slowness of the process. But the truth is, it is coming together piece by piece even if we don’t see it.

Oh and for the record I completed the puzzle, but lost one piece.  Which helps make my other point about life… sometimes it does not work the way you want it to, but you move on, and learn to be content with what did go right.       

Another Year another List

So despite all the end of the world talk, it looks as though we are going to make it to 2013.

So as the year comes to a close I decided to do another year in a list… I believe this is my third year in a list, but I would have to go back and check the blog archives to be sure, and quite frankly I’m not going to do that.

So here is my 2012 in a list:

I received my MFA!

I taught my first class as a legitimate adjunct professor.

I started saving up for a car (still trying to save)

Wrote a play that I’m pretty proud of.

Did some acting.

Realized I am worse at playing pool than I am at bowling (and I am really really bad at bowling)

Had some terrible job interviews.

Had some great job interviews.

Cuddled some baby dragons.

Rekindled some old friendships.

Made some new friendships that I hope to keep in the years to come.

Got stupid sick and realized that sometimes one actually HAS to seek out medical help.

Went on some awful dates.

Danced when I had the chance to.

Made some mistakes.

Wrote some bad poetry (yeah I know this always makes the list)

Received numerous pep talks.

Gave some pep talks.

Tried to burn fewer bridges

Sent many stupid and random texts.

Was reminded that many times that my friends have a huge capacity for grace and love.

Had many deep conversations over cheap read wine.

Lost a cell phone.

Cried a few times.

Laughed a lot.

Learned to be less critical and more patient of myself.

So there you have it, my 2012. I don’t know what next year will bring, but I am cautiously hopeful. My uncle shared a saying with me recently “ the days are long, but the years are short”. This is starting to feel more and more true the older I get.  

Anyways I hope everyone had a good year and I wish you all a great 2013.