Thou Shalt Receive

When I teach writing classes one of the things I do is make my students be quiet when they are getting feedback. I have a “no defending your work rule”. Because here is the thing, if they get too caught up in defending their work, then they will not be receptive to any ideas that could make their piece better. I have found this a very effective tool, both for my students and for me as a writer. Usually if I just keep my mouth shut, I can take home the critique given to me and I can sort through what is useful and what is not.

The other thing I tell my students is that they don’t have to put all or any of the feedback into practice, they are the authors and gods of their work, and can do whatever they please. I have just found that more often than not, there is some valuable stuff we can get from our peers if we’re quiet just long enough to receive it.

I am quite good at this when it comes to my work. However I am terrible at it in other parts of my life. I can be incredibly defensive or as my sister so eloquently put it I get “funky” if I feel the least bit judged. Most the time this judgment is perceived rather that actual. I always assume that others are as critical of my life choices as I am, which is just not the case. In fact my haughty reaction to a persons advice is more so me defending against my own self critique.

That said I stand by my dislike of the phrase “you should” which is obnoxious and filled with “I’m better than you, so I am telling you what to do”. 

But will concede that I might find some nuggets of wisdom that are hugely valuable to me if I stop assuming everyone is judging me. If I could learn to stop being defensive, and instead quiet and receptive, maybe just maybe, I could learn something.

The Part

People have often described me by the oh so cliché phrase as “late bloomer”. And I suppose that is true if you buy into the idea that certain life events must happen at very specific ages (I of course don’t prescribe to this way of thinking, which is why, I’m guessing, I have earned the illustrious late blooming title)

It’s true I have done very little dating in my not-so-very-short-anymore life. I just never seemed to get around to it.  But lately I have been testing the waters with the activity that for so many others my age is old hat. 

I also happen to be job searching at the moment so that means that the dreaded interviews are also taking place.

So because these two things are happening in my life simultaneously I can’t help but draw some comparisons.

Dating and job interviews are both pretty much the same thing! Both can feel like completely ridiculous exercises of self humiliation. In both cases you are trying to project the best most confident version of yourself without showing any of your flaws. You are never your most authentic self in either case. I mean ok, I don’t go in and phony it up, cause after all I would be terrible at that. I am often so bad at hiding my true colors that it bites me in the butt. Who I present is me but it's just a much more polished, smiley- er version of me. One who is not riddled with neuroses and self-doubt. I play the part.

We all play the part. We play the part because we want the job or that that second date. We want the other person leaving thinking “wow I need a person like that in my universe”. In both situations you need to find the right balance of “why yes I am interested” and “why no, I am not so interested that I reek of desperation”

I don’t know, all I can say is I hope I get a job soon. 

As for the dating thing, it is what it is. I will treat it like I do many of the things in my life. A big social experiment.

One Day At a Time

I know it’s been a while since I wrote one of these. I sort of fell into my thesis and couldn’t get out for a spell. But I got through that and now I am glad to say I have an a Masters of Fine Arts degree, we shall see what that means exactly for this girl in transit in time I suppose.

And now I find myself starting a new chapter of my life. I am once again standing on the edge of uncertainty as I try to plot my next move. The thing is, I’m not a long-term planner. I never really have been. I figure out what I need to do in the immediate future, to say, pay my rent, or keep me from going home to my parents tail between my legs.  But long term goals such as say, having a five-year career plan, has never really been my thing.

Of course as I get older, it seems like I should be planning everything out more. I mean I have friends who are doing the whole grown up person thing. They have goals and careers, and life plans… all those things that seem to be so ephemeral or nebulous in my current situation.  It’s not that I don’t have goals, or dreams; I think they are just more fluid than other peoples.  I tend to follow my gut and take leaps hoping that the universe will catch me. It has served me well, but I can’t help but wonder if this trait, which undoubtedly made me seem passionate and courageous in my early twenties, seems a bit flaky and haphazard now that I am suppose to be a grown up type person.

Oh well. It’s quite common for me to get all analytical when I face a new chapter.

Here’s to another round of adventures and self-discovery. If nothing else, I will get some more blog entries from it!

Reset!

I know that everyone has a reset button.  Further more I know that we all have to use said button from time to time.

We all need to take some time to breath, take inventory and generally re-calibrate when our wheels become overworked from grinding into each other so much that they are not moving as efficiently as they should. Think of it as applying metaphorical WD40 to your mind (yes grandpa I believe in the power of WD40, just like you taught me)

Well this is exactly what I did last week. It was my spring break, and unlike last year when I took my amazing train trip, I decided to go and veg in my parent’s guest room.

Here is the thing, I grew up in a relatively rural town out in the desert, and it really is a great place to take a step back and be all sorts of introspective.  After spending the last quarter writing the first and second draft of my thesis script, teaching, and dealing with a whole lot of interpersonal drama I really needed to be introspective. The voices in my head were all talking at once, and I needed to take some time to hear their plights… one at a time please.

It also afforded me the opportunity to visit with some old friends who I have not seen in a while; drinking tea with one friend (She is getting ready to be a mommy and is adorable despite what she might say to the contrary), wine with others.  One of my friends (also soon to be mommy, and also adorable) is moving out of state so soon, so I was so very glad I got to see her. 

Another friend I had not seen since I was probably nineteen years old, it pretty awesome getting reacquainted. It was a rather profound having, grown up type conversation, with someone I had not seen since I was essentially a kid. A bit surreal, and gave me some perspective on how much I have grown in the past decade or so.

I also was able to attend a very fun musical at the community college that was once my stomping grounds. It was nice to see many old friends who were involved with the show and they did such an amazing job.

Most importunately I got to spend some quality time with the parents, these pockets of time seem like a luxury these days.

All and all, it was a good trip. Does it make me want to live there again? Well let’s just say my hometown is a very nice place to visit.

It was also nice to realize how much I was missed here.  Upon coming back my dance card has been full with visits from those who are apart of the life I’m creating here. A nice reminder for when I start to feel like an isolated solitary entity in this big city.

And now I feel like I am ready to take on the last leg of my thesis, as well as get my resume all shiny and pretty, cause (yikes beyond yikes) I am about to graduate, and what’s next is just around the corner.

There is No Place Like Home

I have spent the last decade or so feeling like a nomad. This is quite a contrast to the first 19 years of my life where I was born and raised in a small town, in a house that was built by my great grandfather. So this chapter of my life where I have never been anywhere much longer than 2 years has been particularly challenging.

 But it started me thinking about the lack of constancy in my life.  Though my parents in with a generous spirit have from time to time allowed me to come home when I am in between life adventures, but that said every place I have been in my young adult life has always been extremely temporary. Mine is, in fact, a life in transition, when it comes to the places I hang my hat. 

However there has been some stability in my life. It has come in the form of the connections to people in life. I recently had lunch with a friend from my undergrad days, and I could not help but notice how at peace I was hanging out with him. How nice it is to know someone who gets me, and knows the progress that I have made in the past years. Who loves me flaws and all, so much so that I can be completely transparent in their company without fear of rejection.

It made me realize I have lots of friends and family who make me feel that way. I came to the conclusion that sometimes the feeling of home is not confined to four walls, but often it comes in the form of the networks that we belong to. And that was really comforting for a girl in transit like myself.

Some Like it Hot

I am in the middle of a hot and consuming love affair. It is my secret shame, but perhaps making it public will help me to move forward.

That’s right, I am in love with the heater in our apartment.  The affair began during a cold and rainy day, and has not stopped. But here is the sick part… I live in LA (or a city sort of close). Yes, it is warm here, year round, and our cold days are embarrassingly pathetic when put up against real cold days in real cold places.

But I can’t get enough of standing next to the blazing wall heater as it all but scorches my skin. Of course this really annoys my roommates who am sure I have convinced that I am indeed part reptile. 

This is how I really know that I have a problem. There are times when the bloody thing is not even on, and yet I find myself standing near it. I just want to be close to it all times.

Perhaps it’s love, perhaps it’s obsession… whatever it is, it's clearly unhealthy.

With Love

There is an ebb and flow to life, a back and forth of the bad and good. And when the bad comes at us, which it inevitably will, it is so difficult not to get mired down in the pain of it. 

My family has been touched with some tragidys recently. And the truth of the matter is, when these things happen it can be spirit crushing. You seek out explanations, but more often than not, there are none. And so we turn to whatever we can that brings us comfort, and hopefully it’s not a destructive distraction, but something healthy and good that we can lean on.

It’s in times like these that we have to try to remember that it will get better. Now I am aware that some wounds leave deep scars that never go away, but they do heal. That’s the beautiful thing about life, and about human nature, it’s both incredibly fragile, and terribly resilient.

And we are rarely alone. We humans have this wonderful ability to build circles of loved ones who fill us with the courage to get through things, when we don’t have the ability to generate that courage ourselves.  They cry with us, laugh with us, and pray with until we gain the strength to go forward. We eventually pick ourselves up and move back into the world battle scars and all.

And to those kin of mine that are so close to the tragedies, all I can say is I am, and many others, are sending all the love we possibly have in us so that you can have the strength to get to the healing point.