Another Gamble

This seems to be the place I go to make my self completely transparent.  I offer myself up to anyone who wants to read, as a way to work through my emotions. It’s a strange practice but one that I don’t seem to be stopping anytime soon. So in the spirit of being an emotional exhibitionist, here comes another such entry.

When I was fresh out of high school I moved from my home state to live with strangers and work as a nanny. I had never been away from my grandparents and my parents, and I was terrified.  I also knew that I needed to change my life. My friends had all left for college, my sister had moved to another city so that she could work at the happiest place on earth, and I was left to half heartedly take classes at the local community college. I was extremely depressed in that chapter of my life, and I had become stuck. I knew I was stuck, and I knew that I had to do something extreme to shake myself free. When the opportunity arose to take the job I knew I had to do it. I did not WANT to, but I HAD to. In retrospect I can see that some of the greatest growth of my life occurred during that time. I also know It was one of the times that I felt the most unsure and frightened. But I took a chance on myself and it was so wonderful that I did.

And now it seems that history is repeating itself. I once again find myself stuck. I have lived on campus for the past couple of years (yes, at my age, yes in graduate school), which would be fine, except I am becoming stagnant. And as the theme of this blog suggests, I believe that being in transit is far healthier than being stagnant. When I am living on campus it becomes very easy for me to not confront my fear of mass transit. I always say that I will, but I never do.  So I have decided that next year I am going to live off campus. This serves another purpose too, I am (if all goes well) going to be graduating in the spring. And I want to feel like I am there, ready to get a job, and ready to make a life down in the city. If I am on campus it feels very temporary, like I at any given moment I will have to return to my small hometown.

The flip side to this decision is I am terrified. I am forcing myself out of my comfort zone. There are all these unknown variables that are keeping me up at night. I find myself feeling much the way I did before I moved after high school. I believe that I need to make this step, but I also see the potential for failure, and that can be extremely anxiety provoking.

On a more positive note, I know that who I was then and who I am now are indeed different. Backs then the fear of the unknown use to cause me brutal panic attacks. Now when they come on (because they still do) I am able to recognize them and breathe myself down, before they become out of control. Hurray for progress!

I just hope this next gamble on myself will be as positive for my life and growth as the one from my past that it’s mirroring.     

So... What Do I Think of Me?

Worrying about what others think of you will drive you batty! I should know, I am often way to concerned about what others think about me. Or even worse concerned about what I THINK others are thinking about me. This is particularly problematic because it’s so easy to project our own negative self-crap onto others. I mean there is too often that I feel socially awkward and pathetic, and I know that in those times I believe others see me that way too.

But here is the thing, it's exhausting caring so much about what others think. Especially since we can never really know for sure what is going on in another person’s head.  I mean I guess I could go around asking everyone “so what do you think about me?” but I doubt that would win me any friends.  

I suppose I need to just worry about what I think of me … and work on making it as positive a self image as I can.

No Mas Papa II

All right, so I’m going off the spud again! For those of you who follow, you will remember a while back I went cold turkey on french fries. They are my nutritional leviathans, and they have very little dietary value.

Not only am I going off the potatoes, I am putting a stop to all deep fried things in general (I had some vegetable tempura tonight, and though it was delicious, it has left me feeling less than stellar)

I’m giving up the fried stuff until my birthday in September. Why my birthday you ask? No, I don’t plan on going on a birthday binge! It’s just I’ve decided that I want to do a detox of sorts these next couple months so that I can start out a new age on the right foot.

I want to give myself a birthday gift, and I can’t think of a better present than a healthier me! 

Half Way There

Happy half-year everyone!!!!!!

Okay, so I’m not big of resolutions, new years, half-years, or otherwise.  But I figure the halfway point is as good a time as any to take an inventory of my life, and to take a moment to reflect on what my life has been of late and where it may be heading. I know, heavy stuff.

But I am approaching a birthday that is supposedly one of those big deal ones. I am starting the journey of my thesis (thought technically the thesis thing is culminating next year not this one). And on a sadder note, today marks seven months since a very dear friend of mind was in a fatal car accident. When you lose someone like that it’s hard not to change your perspective on life. It makes me want to live with fullness and purpose because life can be so fleeting. It also makes me want to appreciate the little things, cause your world can change in an instant.

So this is me, on my half year, reflecting a bit on the six months that I have just lived, and taking a moment to think about what I want the next six months will look like.

I wish you all a good and reflective half-year. Let’s do our best to make the most of our next six months.

Musings on Mom

When we are children it’s very easy to view our mothers as a superhuman figure. She is in our young minds, flawless.  Of course by seeing our mothers like this they are bound to disappoint us. After all no one can live up to that level of perfection. 

I have long since put my mom on an unrealistic pedestal. But even now, when I am (at least in theory) a grown up type person, I still have to remind myself that she is in fact human full of emotions and needs just like other humans.

So often my mom puts her needs on the back burner, for mine. When I am having a melt down, she is one of the people who can pull me from the edge  (even if the melt down involves me yelling and making a fuss until I finally get calm). If I am in need of good and insightful advice she is who I go too. With that kind of selflessness, it’s really hard not to take advantage. It’s hard not to just assume that she is tough as nails and here just to take care of me (did I mention I’m an adult)

I guess that’s the thing about the mother child dynamic, its deeply engrained and hard to overcome. And I am not saying that we should (after all I am getting the better end of this bargain) But what I am saying is that I should from time to time crawl out of my own selfishness, and check in with my mom, and see if there is anything I can do for her. After all, it’s the very least I can do for someone who has given so much to me.

Hope... and Prepare

I have this weird reaction to change. I tend to pretend it’s not happening.  What I do is the equivalent of an ostrich putting her head in the sand (by the way that is a myth they actually don’t stick there head in the sand). Nevertheless that’s what I do. But the problem with this is change comes anyways.

I avoid it because its scares me, but the truth is, by facing it, we can often alleviate some of the fear. By arming ourselves with information, we can prepare ourselves. All right, so we can’t prepare ourselves for every possible event, but by facing things we at least feel a little less caught off guard. And that, at least for me, provides some comfort.

Square Peg, Round Hole

For the most part I love being a person in transit. I love the idea of being in change. There is something very profound about evolution.

Of course there is a down side to this. If you in the midst of metamorphosis, it is hard to actually know who you are.  And if you don’t know who you are, than you don’t know where you belong.

My feeling’s that I am an outsider are particularly acute lately. I’m not exactly sure what has brought it on. What I do know is that it's if I’m struggling to find my place in the world. I’m a little like Goldie Locks trying to discover the chair that is just right!

In all fairness, I do have a wonderful group of friends that I feel very connected to, and my family is loving and functional, at least relatively speaking. And believe me, I am incredibly grateful for that. With such great support it would seem that I would be extremely at home in my life.

I guess I’m still searching for my purpose. I’m not the first person embarking on that search, and I’m certain I won’t be the last.  And who knows maybe by searching to hard, or trying to force meaning into our lives, we end up missing the big picture. We would all probably be happier if stopped trying to make ourselves fit in. It would be better if we all could give ourselves permission to be comfortable in our own skin.