2014 In A List

It’s time for my year in a list. It seems like every year I do this list entry, and promise to start writing more in my blog… and this year is no different.

It has been a rather eventful year, one with lots of highs and some serious lows for me and mine, so I suppose it deserves a minute or two of reflection.

Without further ado, 2014:

1. I returned to sub teaching, it’s paying the bills and for that I am grateful.

2. I started running (slowly) and ran my first 5K! 

3. I began exploring the religion of my parents and grandparents a little more; it’s a whole thing.

4. Learned how to make a cosmopolitan.

5. Discovered my love of vegan protein powder in smoothies.

6. Tried not to drive my parents completely batty as I live in their house.

7. Starting taking pictures as a form of meditation.

8. Turned my focus to the present.

9. Made an effort to say yes even when fear wanted me to say no.

10. I auditioned for a play after six years absence from doing and actual show was cast as Hermia in Midsummer Nights dream! (And loved ones from far and wide came to see it <3)

11. Got to play Steph in The Brown shoes

12. Got to perform in both the main stage and black box of a new performing arts center

13. Confirmed once again that I enjoy acting, but I am NOT an actor.

14. Cried a lot.

15. Slept in a hospital chair, as my mom recovered from surgery to remove her cancer filled ureter and Kidney. 

 16. Was reminded once again how incredible my friends and family are especially has my mom dealt with her health issues.

17. Had some great heart to hearts with my mom.

18. Dressed in a corset and tutu with my mom and sister and did a West Hollywood Halloween.

19. Started driving on the freeways more... even to Hesperia!!!

20. Hurt some feelings. Got my feelings hurt.

21. Let go of a lot of my anxiety (it’s still there but not nearly like it was)

22. Tried to be better and being a friend. Not sure if I was successful, but tried.

23. Ha a wonderful birthday celebration up in big bear with the family, I love that my daddy and I have the same bday!

24. Got my passport, and with the invitation of a very dear friend, got on a plane (well actually a few) and went to Columbia.

25. Kept on moving, even when it was dark, couldn’t see my way and my heart hurt, I kept going.

26. Had some guilt. Let some go. 

27. Has a spiritual awakening.  

28. Still kissing frogs. Still taking dance breaks. Still drinking wine (even if its less). Still writing bad poetry. Some habits are hard to break, especially when you have no intention to break them.

Happy New Years to everyone! Wishing you love and light in 2015 <3 

Momma Said There'd Be Day's Like This

One of my favorite affirmations is “I am exactly where I need to be right now”.

As many of you know, due to series of not super fun events and tough decisions I find myself back living with my parents in my hometown, in the house of my childhood. I am not the first Grad school graduate to be in this position and I doubt I will be the last given how hard it is these days to make ones way in the world.

In fact in light of recent events I am very glad to be right where I am.

We just discovered that my mom has cancer in her kidney.  It’s scary and sucks, but we have faith that it has stayed localized. We are still in the gathering information stage, but we are hopeful and positive.

I just feel really grateful that I am here right now to be with my parents and to give an extra helpful hand where it is needed.

Those of you, who know my mom, know what a strong, amazing person she is. She gave me permission to share this on my blog because she believes in the power of prayers and positive thought, and wants me to enlist as many people I can to send her good vibes. We have an amazing network of family and friends in the world who are in her corner and who have been showing so much support since we found out. I feel like the more people in her corner the better! 

Life throws you curveballs, and cancer is a big stupid ugly curve ball… but as a dear friend put it to me we have to keep “laughing, loving and living” because that is the “best defense against Cancer”. 

Light and Love

A New Form of Transit

I am not an athlete. I am awkward and clumsy. My hand eye coordination is bad. And if I am perfectly honest, I was always more interested in writing poetry than doing cardio.

So you can imagine that no one is more surprised at my new hobby than me. I will admit it… I like to run.  Is my form great? Am I fast? Will I be winning any races anytime soon? No, no and no. But I’m getting better at it and I kind of love it.

Sometimes it’s hard to pin down exactly why I love it. After all it’s hard for me, and it has a tendency to give me an angry planters heel, and when I go to the track people who have decades on me sometimes do actually lap me. There are times when I think, “Why the hell am I doing this?”

But really I do know why. I like the challenge of it, the feeling I get when I go from running one mile, to two, to two in a half. I also like the meditative quality of it. Running is really really hard for me, and sometimes my brain goes into this alternate meditative state that allows me to keep going and I feel like it is almost a spiritual experience. It also makes me literally happy, like I think it fills me with endorphins, and in a season where I have been in a bit of a funk, something that makes me happy is definitely welcome. I also like the fact that because I have been running I was able to complete my first 5k… yes I walked some, but mostly I ran and that felt pretty darn good.

So yeah, running is a thing I do now, and I want to keep doing it awkward and clumsy that I am.

Observations on subbing

Life can take us on strange rides. Our lives can change trajectories at any given moment. So because life has strange twists and turns I once again find myself working as a substitute teacher. It isn’t exactly where I picture myself at this juncture in my life, but its not a bad gig and most days I find something to smile about while I do it.

It’s interesting doing it a second time around, I am reminded of things that I had maybe forgot about from the first go round. So I figured I would compile some of my observations that I have made about it.

1.     You get asked “who are you today” on a daily basis and it doesn’t seem weird.

2.     Jr. High school kids are difficult people, they use to be adorable little kids, and eventually they will become young adults with reason… but right now they are not great and that’s just how it is.

3.     Those who teach Jr. High are amazing saint like people who deserve our respect.

4.     Kindergarteners are adorable… and exhausting.

5.     Some little students find my name difficult to say, and older ones just like to play with my name leading them to call me numerous things including but not limited to: Ms. W, Ms. Land, Ms. Warlord, Ms. Watermelon (really?!) and my personal favorite Ms. Wonderland.

6.     Subbing for a HS advanced placement class, where you are administering a quiz is a plum job, enjoy it and bring a book!

7.     Sometimes eating alone in the classroom is preferable to the awkwardness of eating in the staff longue with all the regular teachers.

8.     Kids act ridiculous when the have a sub… it’s gonna happen, just know that going into it.

9.     Disorganized, sparse, or no lesson plans (yes that happened to me once) is a substitute teachers nightmare, and no we will not come back to your class.

10. Convoluted, intricate hard to follow lesson plans also suck, not as bad as disorganized ones, but they too make our lives hard. I will do my best to keep them on tract, but remember I am only stepping in for the day; I am not going to be able to do it exactly the way you do it.

11. Teachers who leave clear organized lesson plans AND who leave extra work if the kids get done are my most favorite people on the planet.

12. You can sometimes tell what kind of day your going to have by the condition of the classroom you step into in the morning.

13. Anytime a student starts a sentence “But our teacher lets us…” you know it’s probably gonna be bull crap.

14. It’s true, kids actually really do say the darndest things.

15. Nothing will make you appreciate the work that K-12 teachers do like substitute teaching.

An Update

So I figured I would give an update on my adventures in the cleanse thing that I have been doing. It was going to be just a two-week experiment, but it may be turning into a lifestyle change.

I’ve been feeling really good. Believe it or not, stopping the coffee thing was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be for me. I mean there where a couple days of caffeine headaches, but it passed and I have been feeling less anxious.

I also have a ton more energy, which has been great. I feel good, and that’s the most important thing to me.

I have been shrinking, which is fine, and I am enjoying fitting better in my clothes for sure, but I realize it is not the most important motivator for me. If I was doing something that was causing me to loose weight but made me feel like crap, it wouldn’t be worth it. And for the record I am not one of those people who believe that I have to be a certain size to be worthy of love or respect. That said I am feeling stronger, and working out more, which I am actually really enjoying. I’ve even started getting muscles in my arms (a very muscular athletic friend of mine called them little baby muscles) but they are muscles nonetheless and I am excited about that.

I am not totally strict either. I am strict about what I eat most the time, but after the first two weeks, I did have a few indulgences, but for the most part I have been staying the course. Practicing moderation… its almost like I am becoming a grown up person!

Bottom line, I am doing things that make me feel good, and I can totally get on board with that.

Break up, Spring, and My Factory Setting

So today is the first day of spring (at least according to the Calendar, I don’t know that our friends in the East coast will agree). But none-the-less it’s feeling spring like here, and I am feeling an interest in beginnings and growth and all that jazz. Especially since I feel like I have been in a bit of a personal winter.

So yeah in the spirit of spring, new chapters, onward and upward, and any other metaphor you can think of for that kind of thing, I have decided to do a couple week cleanse/detox. I will be significantly cutting out most dairy, I will be getting rid of sugar (save what occurs naturally in things like fruit and stuff) and getting rid of fake chemical no calorie sweeteners too. I will also be avoiding booze… even my beloved glass of evening wine.

All of that sounds pretty doable, the one thing I am extremely nervous about is that I will also be saying bye to coffee for a while. Coffee and I have a deep, loving connection, so I think this is going to feel more like a break up than a dietary choice. But the truth is I think this is something important I have to do for me. I think the coffee is making my already nervous disposition out of control, and I think it has been messing with how my body functions as a whole. so I have decided I love me more than I love coffee.

I am doing it because I want to try to get my body reset to its natural settings. We spend so much time fueling our bodies with chemicals and crap that I think we are making ourselves physically and emotionally ill. I think that my anxiety and depression is exacerbated by the stuff I consume. I am taking these steps in order to feel more whole.

 I am excited about this change

Course I may not be saying that as I am dealing with the first few days of the caffeine headaches, but I will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Love The Drive

Ok so my struggle with driving has been no secret. I have made my journey with my driving phobia extremely transparent on this blog. And anyone who knows me knows first hand ( after all many of you have dragged my non driving butt around… I’m sorry and thank you) and believe me it’s still an ongoing battle. That said I have been driving around much more. Currently I am working as a substitute teacher for two school districts. Which means I am driving around to different schools all the time.  One of these districts has schools pretty far out, rural communities, so I find myself some mornings commuting 20 or 30 minutes out. I have been driving more because of this, and actually spending quite a bit of time on the freeways. Granted the freeways around here are nothing like they are in L.A. but considering there was a time when I wouldn’t get behind a wheel at all I count it as progress.

And since I have been driving more I’ve noticed there are actually things I do enjoy about driving myself around… gasp I know!  And I figured I would share them with you. Hopefully I will learn to love more things about driving as time goes by… but I have to start somewhere so here it goes…

First off, I like Emmerson Jean, my little car.  He is a good car who gets me around well. Yeah he is a bit dinged (yes I did do the dinging, but he is kind and has forgiven me)

I love playing my music, and singing at the top of my lungs. I think it might even be better than shower singing.

I like the freedom. Now that the phobia is starting to get less debilitating the ability to get up and go is starting to out weight the fear and that’s beautiful. I have even gotten on the freeway to drive to the next city over to visit a friend… there was a time when I would have missed opportunities because I was trapped by the fear and that is changing.

The drive home is awesome… well provided there are not too many Semi trucks on the road. After a day of being drained of my sanity and emotion by needy students, it is nice to get in my care and just listen to my thoughts (and my music). It’s in those moments I almost understand why people love to drive.

So yeah, I’m still working on it. And yes I still freak out when the traffic is heavy or when I am not sure exactly where I am going. But it is getting easier, and I am learning to enjoy the small victories.... so as far as I am concerned that’s movement in the right direction.

Love Thyself as Thy Neighbor Loves Thee

I am an extremely loved person. I have a network of people around me that support me and root for me, in ways that are difficult for me to fathom. The family and friends in my life rally around me with love that is so unconditional and without reservations that it makes my head spin.

Of course all this love doesn’t compensate for the fact that I am not getting love and support from the one person I really really need it.

Myself.

I have talked about it before on this blog that I struggle with loving myself, or even liking myself. It is not an intuitive thing for me. Sure I have moments where I start to grab a hold of an emotion that appears to be a positive self-attitude. And I am not nearly as hard on myself as I once was.

But the truth of the matter is that I still have a lot of work to do. I am discovering how deep this problem goes.  I am discovering that I rely on my various relationships to make up for the love I do not feel for myself. And it does work… for a while anyway. The trouble is that it’s not sustainable. You can’t rely on others to feel a deficit that is inside of you. It has often made me needy and difficult in my relationships.  Sometimes I make poor decisions based on this need to keep people around whether they are toxic or not. And of course this leads to me beating myself up (something that does come extremely intuitively to me) and in turns depends the deficit. It's hard on the good relationships in my life. I lean on people so much that it puts pressure on them. It all becomes so draining.   

I have also have begun to realize that every accomplishment I have achieved, every talent I have, I use as a way to get others approval. If people approve of me, then maybe I will learn to approve of myself.

But it’s never enough.  And I am tired. I am tired of jumping through hoops to seek others affirmation.  I am tired of beating myself up.

So I think the first step is forgiveness. I have to learn to forgive myself for my for all the things that I am ashamed of, the mistakes I have made both real or perceived. It’s hard to love someone that you are carrying resentment and anger towards. I also think that I need to really start thinking about what motivates my behavior. The decisions I make need to start coming from a place of self love and respect.  

So this might be the biggest transition I have ever made. It may be the hardest thing I have ever done, but if I can learn to love myself unconditionally and without reservation, could be the most worthwhile. 

Some Weather We're Having

I was having a conversation with my Uncle about the weather. It doesn’t seem like a topic that would reap profound revelations, but this time it did.

We where discussing the rain storm that California recently was hit with. I told him “I am not a big fan of the rain, but we need it badly so I’m grateful for it”

That got me thinking about my life right now. I think it is fair to say that the last few months have been a bit of storm.  I have been through a series of events that have lead back to square one. Living once again in my hometown, with my parents. Not exactly where I planned to be at this particular juncture of my life.

It has been a hard season. A “when it rains it pours” sort of season. But it was necessary. I needed it. I have learned so much in this storm and I am finally feeling like I am breaking out of a rut that I have been stuck in for the last year.

I have become more determined and focused on what it is that I want for my life. I know that I don’t want to be in this position again. And I know that the reason I am is because I have been too afraid to go after what I want. But that has changed. I am ready to move forward and if that means going after jobs that will lead me on grand adventures to places I have never been then so be it. And if it means taking not-so-awesome jobs for now that will help me to get to that place that I need to go than so be that too.

I have also come to realize that there is really very little room for self-doubt. I have to be brave and take care of myself, and trust that I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for.

That said, I have also been reminded once again that I have so many wonderful people in my life. I have had real moments of bitterness, depression, and selfishness during lately. I am not proud of this, but it’s true. I am so very grateful for those of who have reached out to me in my most unlovable moments.  I hope that I can be there for them someday the same way they have been for me.

It’s not exactly all sunshine yet, but the sky is clearing and the rain is slowing down.  I am hopeful for my future, and I am grateful for what this season continues to teach me.

  

2013 in a List

So it’s that time again! It’s 2014, and I thought I would do one of my “Life in a lists” lists, since that seems to becoming my tradition!

So here it is 2013, in no particular order and in all its good, bad, and ugly glory:

1. Saw my first Burlesque Show!

2. Taught ESL for the first time

3. Finished my first year teaching as an Adjunct professor.

4.  Went on many hikes.

5. Drank a glass of wine or two.

6. Lost my thesis weight.

7. Went to a Cake concert.

8. Got laid off.

9.  Kissed a few more frogs (yeah some are still good kissers)

10. Made some amazing new friends.

11. Went to my first Reggie festival.

12. Got my heart broken.

13. Did some babysitting

14. Reconnected with old friends.

15. Leaned hard on the people I love.

16. Wrote a few short stories.

17. Took more dance breaks than I can count

Decisions

I am knee deep in a season of change. I am doing my best to hold it together but I feel a little like I am cracking at the seems. I am making challenging decisions and that always brings on stress, especially when you are as high strung and anxious as I notoriously am.  I was expressing some of my fears about all the variables in my life to a dear friend and this was his response:

“But you have a knack for making good choices, so even though we may not know where the roads heading, it’s certain to be a good one”

I needed to hear this right now.

I know that I need to trust my gut . It will lead me to the right decision, even if it’s not the most popular one. That’s okay, I’ve been judged for my choices before. But one thing I have learned is that at the end of the day you got to do you, and live your own truth, even when it is not easy.

Sometimes we have to break a little, to crack the cocoon when it no longer fits, to make way to become something more beautiful.  It can be a painful process, but it is one that is worth it in the end.

Attracting the Good Stuff

Been thinking a lot about the law of attraction lately.  It always seemed like kind of a hippy dippy concept to me that really had no validity. But I’m sort of warming up to the idea of it these days.

This could be because my current circumstances are less than desirable. I did go through a spell recently where I worried, a lot (more so than usual) and it seems a great deal of what I worried about has indeed manifested, and not in my favor.

So I have decided its time for shift in perspective.  I want things to change in my life, and maybe I am the key. Maybe if I focus on all the wonderful people and things I have in my life, and will the positive changes I desire, then I will see a difference.

I don’t know if this will work. But its worth a shot. Whatever I am doing now is not working. So now I am making the effort to be mindful of all the things that I have to grateful for and to visualize the positive future I wish to have.

If nothing else it will elevate my mood, and that to me, is worth it. 

Plot Twist

I am in transition again.

I have been saying for a while that my life needed a plot twist, and boy did I get one.  It has been over a year since I have graduated with my MFA and I have found myself in the sad but common role of cliché.  I have spent the past year taking part time teaching jobs where I can get them, and doing my best to stay afloat, and keep my bills paid.

What I have not been doing is living my truth, and pushing myself to live up to my potential. But it didn’t matter because I was surviving, and surviving was better than nothing.

And that’s when the plot twist happens. Through a series of unfortunate events that I will not go into here, I currently find myself jobless. This is not where I wanted to be. It is scary and uncomfortable, and my future is so uncertain that it is enough to make my head spin.

But if I am completely honest, I needed this wake up call. It’s made me really look at the choices I’ve been making, and it has lead me to really evaluate who I am.  I needed this to push me to grow. At the end of the day I am an artist after all, and isn’t this the way an artists story suppose to sound? My dream is to make a living in a way that is creative and fulfilling to my soul. I am not sure how exactly or what it will look like, but I know now is the best time to figure it out. Now is the time to find a way to do what I was designed to do whatever that is. If that means I have sell some coffee or shoes to get to where I am destine to be then so be it.

I would be lying if I said I was not scared about my future, but I know that people believe in me, so I am going to believe too. And honestly what’s life without a few curve balls, what’s a story without a few plot twists?

As my dear friend Evan put it “Jennafer this is just a chapter of your story, not the whole book” And he is absolutely right. 

And Holding...

I know that I have been incredibly quite for a while. This is because this girl in transit has been stuck in a holding pattern. I feel as though I am stuck again, in those slumps I seem to dip into from time to time.

I have no good excuse for this. The simple truth is that I allowed old demons that have come knocking at my door to come and stay awhile, let them get comfortable.  They whisper in my ear until I forget how truly strong I am, I forget my accomplishments and I start to fear the steps I need to take to obtain the dreams so dear to my heart.

In fact, I begin to believe that I don’t deserve to dream.

It’s painful to admit this. It’s embarrassing. There is so much in my life to be grateful for. There are so many beautiful people who share their lives with mine.  There are so many things that I have accomplished and experiences that I have had, and continue to have that make the tapestry of my life richer than words can express. So it is with a lot of shame that I admit how ungrateful, petty and even yes depressed I have become again.

My hope is that by giving this emotions form, by expressing them here as I have so often have done in the past, they will loose the power they have when I keep them locked inside me.  

My hope is that by writing this I will lighten my load enough to get out of this holding pattern, and be in transit once again.   

Body Talk Two

So this is not my first entry on body image. It is a subject I have touched before on this blog but it seems I have more thoughts on the subject, so here it goes!

Honestly we are a culture of body shaming. The media is a toxic playground of hypercritical jack faces voices their opinions on how bodies should look, and how if they don’t look like that then we should be ashamed. The ad agencies spend oodles and oodles of cash in order to make consumers feel like there is something wrong with them. This is in hopes that the consumers will turn around and spend oodles and oodles of their hard earned cash whatever the latest product is that is suppose to fix the newest contrived problem. None of this is new information.

And yes, I have had my fair share of low moments. There have been times in my life where I was very ashamed of my body because it did not seem to fit into the social norm. I become very disconnected from my body. It was to be tolerated, suffered or hated, but my body was not something designed to be loved.  Those were very dark days that (like many hard life experiences) shaped who I am.  That is not who I am anymore.

Recently I have been the target of people who think it is perfectly acceptable to comment on my body.  They believe it is okay to share their advice on how they believe I should look or exist in the world. To make snap judgments on my lifestyle which most often they know nothing about (would they be surprised to know that I haven't eaten a cheese burger in over five years, I wonder.). Now this does not make me angry with them, nor does it make me sad about or ashamed of myself. What it does make me is angry and sad that we still like in a world where it is conducive even encouraged making judgments on other peoples physical appearance.

My body, how it looks, how I dress it, what I choose to do with it, is no ones business but my own. And neither is yours. It is time we reclaim out bodies and stop buying in to the lie that you have to look a certain way to be beautiful. For the record, you cannot look at my body and know the status of my health no more than I can you. And even if you could it is not your job to make comments on my health. If you do not have a medical license and are not testing my blood, I don’t want your opinion.  Really if it’s out of concern do you think making someone feel insignificant will help? How does making someone feel ashamed, or feeling like they should hate themselves really motivate positive change. When someone feels as if they are loathed by society they are often going to begin to self hate, and when that happens why would they do anything that would help to support or take care of themselves, it would be counterintuitive.

Also the idea that there is only one kind of beautiful is absurd. Granted we all find certain things attractive, but we should realize that what we like is just that, personal preference.  Everyone is going to be beautiful to someone, and more importantly everyone should be beautiful to themselves.

In the face of all of this I choose to celebrate the beauty that is my body. To revel in the gloriousness that is me. I will dance with my body, embrace with my body, and fully live in my body because I know it is mine and I will honor it.

What you do with your body is entirely up to you.

I'm a Sour Candy

Recently a friend of mine expressed to me that he thought it was interesting how I was in many ways I was (to paraphrase) very aware but in other ways “still learning”. I made a joke about my arrested development issues, which yes there are a few.

I have always been drawn to dichotomies. I like things that don’t seem to make sense but still somehow seem to coexist, comfortably, or not so comfortably. Maybe I am drawn to this because I feel like that is what I am like inside. I’m a pendulum always swinging between extremes, or maybe I’m always just both.

When I was a kid they tested me because I was struggling in school. They believed that I had a processing disorder (which I did). The test results however proved a bit challenging for them. When I was in sixth grade my math was at a third grade level, my spelling was not much higher, but my reading comprehension was that of a college freshman. It was very hard to place me, and I am grateful that I did have lots of helpful teachers who supported me, and a mom who was in my corner to tailor an education that would suit my dichotomous needs.

It's weird because I still feel like I straddle different worlds. I can be outgoing at times, and painfully insecure at others (or sometimes both and the same time). I can be terribly sweet and sunshiny, but not without a love of sarcasm and a tinge of irreverence.

I often find that the people I gravitate to are like me in that sense. They are anarchist soccer moms and ice princess with a hearts of gold. They are jerks with a sensitive streak, or philosophical macho men.

Honestly we all straddle different worlds, and different personality traits. I don’t think many of us live in black and white world; most of us reside in gray town.  And I am glad it’s that way. 

I think that what makes sour candy so great is after you get that punch that first punch that makes you pucker, you have a greater appreciation for when it fades to sweet. 

Sour candy and life are just more interesting that way.  

Confession of a Control Freak

I am going to make a confession. I have come to terms with a part of myself that I always knew on some level existed, but never really wanted to admit too.

So here it goes…I am a control freak.

I know, this may come as a shock to some of you “but Jenn, you never volunteer to lead things.  You are not a type A personality.”

All these things are true. I am not a Type A, a perfectionist, or a born leader.

I don’t want to control others per se, but I do want to control the details of my life in ways that border on neurosis. And if anything or anyone threatens that I am not a happy camper. I will fight it, typically in my passive aggressive Virgo way (although when I was younger I did have a tendency to be a bit more aggressive aggressive, but that is an entirely different entry) I like my schedule, I like my routines. And if I get something in my head then it damn well better go that way. Now I do have the ability to do adapt and shift gears… but not after I have a little many melt down and mourning over the loss of my tightly made schedule.

What’s odd is I don’t do it with my big life plans.  I don’t plan were I will be in five years. I don’t know were I will be living or what I will be doing. I don’t feel like there are certain life milestones that one must hit by hit at specific times to be considered a successful and well rounded human. 

But my day-to-day life, now that’s a different story. I will micro manage the crap out of that.  And you know what, doing that will make you crazy. It is exhausting and anxiety provoking trying to control every little thing in your life. Mostly because it just can’t be done. There are too many unforeseen variables, too many called games on account of rain.  

So I need to change, because I am tired. I am tired of hanging on to every little detail of my life with white knuckles.

And so I’m letting go, and letting myself flow with the current.

 Or at least I’m going to try :) 

The Last Leviathan

“You know that if you get a care you have to drive it right?”

“ There will be other cars on the road to you do realize that?”

“You are aware that people in LA drive crazy aren’t you?”

This is just a sampling of the barrage of questions I have been slung at me since I have decided to let people in my life know that I am indeed looking for a car.

Yes it is that time.  I have postponed it for long enough. It is time for me to face my fear of driving in the big city.

And before you add to the onslaught of questions, let me assure you I have been chewing on the same questions in my brain for longer than you can imagine.  And for those of you who have asked these questions and were on the receiving end of my snapping turtle-ness I do apologize. It was my own anxiety and insecurity calling the shots, I’m not proud of it, but I’ve been living in this skin long enough to know that it happens.

But it is time.  Anyone who knows me (or is familiar with this blog) knows that driving is my biggest leviathan, my last great dragon. So this is big at least in my little narcissistic world.

The thing is I am a firm believer in change, even when it is painful or scary. Some of the most powerful life changing decisions I have made in my life has been the painful scary ones. And the truth is I may decide that I want to live in a city were mass transit is awesome and I never ever have to drive a car. But It will be my choice not something I am forced into because of fear. Too many of my choices of my decisions have been dictated by fear, and quite frankly I am done.

Positive is what Positive Does

I have for many years been a cynic.

This may come as a surprise to many casual acquaintances. I tend to operate in the my daily life with what appears to be a generally sunny disposition (It's not a complete act, but its not the whole truth either). But for those who know me really well (or those who have read my blog) you know that I struggle with feelings of personal inadequacy and distrust of the world around me.

However I am ever in transit, and I am constantly trying to evolve beyond my deficiencies, be they real or perceived. I am trying to see the best in others, rather than the Big Bad Wolf in everyone I meet.

I want to be open to the positive people and experiences that the universe has to offer me, and I feel like in order to do that I have to put out positivity into the world. It’s all very Law of Attraction (and believe me I have made fun of the Law of Attraction more times than I can count) but really what’s the harm in thinking good thoughts.

The way I see it is this, if I have a positive attitude and believe that positive things will happen to me then it will be double awesome when they do.  And if things don’t work out well, I figure the positive attitude will help me deal with the blow with less anxiety and stress then if I had a bad attitude. I win both ways.

So this is my experiment, I am going to try to put nothing but good vibes out into the world with the hope that the universe will answer back favorably.

Wish me luck!

Clogged Pipes

Writers block is an annoying thing. It’s feeling that you want to say something but have absolutely nothing to say. The blank paper stares at you, taunting you, judging you.

Of course right now I don’t feel blocked, or it least not in the traditional sense that we usually think of when we think of writers block. On the contrary I feel like I have too much to say. I have so many projects that I feel like the have clogged the pipes.  I don’t know were to start. I don’t know which project deserves the first stab at my attention.  I’ve always had trouble organizing my thoughts.

Oh well… a long time coming blog entry is a place to start I suppose.